Smiling Again

Look at these faces!!!! Seriously. 

These lovelies are my bookends. They are my beautiful, supportive, funny, smart friends who have been instrumental in my world for the past year. This picture was taken at brunch on the weekend.... we hadn't seen one another for weeks and there were tears and enormous hugs and squealing and I felt so damn happy. 

I love these broads so much.

When I moved to Kelowna I knew I needed girlfriends and these two appeared through an absolute stroke of luck. We happened to be at a luncheon organized by a mutual acquaintance and SHAZAM, the three of us bonded immediately and the rest is history. 

The night before I met with my girls for brunch, I received an email from a very wise, strong woman who is a mentor and mother figure for me. I reached out to her because I was just so fucking tired of being sad and I knew that she would have nuggets of wisdom for me and I was right. She replied to my message with words that changed everything and were the catalyst that I needed. It was powerful and instantaneous.

The next day I walked into The Grateful Fed (our usual meeting place) and saw my girls and my heart exploded. It was the best day I've had in a long, long time and when I saw the photo of us I realized that I don't remember the last time I've seen a smile on my face this pure and real.

I'm ready to move forward - no, not just ready. I'm excited about moving forward and I'm so grateful to have these two little sassies to share it with.  Here's to more smiles like this in 2017.

Love you Jen and Tracy!!! 

Quicksand

I saw this meme on Facebook today and it made me laugh. Do you remember this? Do you remember being a little kid and feeling very wary of being caught in quicksand? Completely believing that if you weren't careful, you might turn a corner and suddenly find yourself knee deep in quicksand that would suck you down into it FOREVER?!!!

Then, of course, I started overthinking it. (My close friends will not be shocked by this sentence). Lately I've been feeling 'stuck', experiencing a subtle but ongoing sadness and unease about my life in general. 

Being 49 does not remotely resemble what I thought it would look like.

I've been reading a bit about 'sitting with sadness' and it makes sense; feel it fully then let it move through. It's a bit like quicksand, I think. The more you struggle (and try to avoid feeling it), the deeper it will suck you down. My default position when I feel something unpleasant is to rationalize it and logically think through why the unpleasant thing is not actually unpleasant. Being in my head feels much safer and more familiar than being in my heart.

So, I'm going to sit with my sadness for a bit, damn it. Feel it. Grieve it. Allow it. 

BUT - instead of hoping that a vine will suddenly appear, saving me from the quicksand, I'm going to create my own rescue mission for 2017. I'm going to Vegas with some amazing women in February. Once the snow melts, I'm going to visit my Dad with a stop along the way to spend time in Cranbrook with my awesome friend Deanna who shares my penchant for wine and another stop in Lethbridge to see my son who will show me the work he's been doing with the Canadian Centre for Behavioural Neuroscience. In June, I'm going to Nova Scotia to see my other son and his beautiful girlfriend to love them and schmoosh them and experience the amazing life they've created on the other side of the country. I'm going to savour my time with my daughter because I know that having her with me on a daily basis is coming to an end and I want to create memories with her, not look back with regret at what I should have been doing.

I'm also going to let my career be something I'm grateful for and take pride in rather than being the sole focus of my world. Barb has given me strict instructions to make this a priority for 2017 and I've learned it's best not to fuck with Barb.....

Onward.

Little Wonders

I tend to blog more when my heart is heavy which is my version of meditation I suppose. I want to learn the lessons that life presents, so I don't mind sitting with my sadness because I know it serves a purpose. It's part of what's required for growth and moving forward and JESUS H CHRIST, I want to move forward.

I was at work today when "Little Wonders" by Rob Thomas came on. First of all, Rob Thomas = Rawr.... but I digress. Second, he is the KING of reaching into my soul with his music. His lyrics have often resonated with me during difficult times in my life. There were three parts of the song that really struck me.

The First:

"Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder

Don't you know.....the hardest part is over

Let it in, let your clarity define you

In the end, we will only just remember how it feels."

(Let it go - yes. Easier said then done, but yes. The hardest part really is over which leaves room for clarity. I don't ever want to forget how I feel about things, good or bad.)

The Second:

"Let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine, till you feel it all around you
And I don't mind, if it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by, it's the heart that really matters in the end."

(Time to shine and to feel it....and, yes. I will always be there for anyone to turn to, because I'm a turtle and that's ok.)

The Third:

"All of my regret, will wash away somehow
But I cannot forget the way I feel right now."

(Regret? Some, I suppose. More for what I didn't do than what I did do. I'd like to believe there are no mistakes, only lessons. I don't ever want to forget the way I feel feel right now.)

So after I sat listening to this with my wee chin quivering while sitting at my desk, the song ended and "The Girl From Ipanema" started. If you know me, you'll know that I LOVE that song. It has some sad memories attached to it so I almost turned it off....but then I realized that it has even more good memories attached to it and I love it so fuck-a-bunch-of-that, I listened to it. 

And I smiled.

The Scorpion and the Turtle

There is a fable that a former mentor of mine shared with me years ago about a scorpion and a turtle. He was teaching me a lesson about dealing with the media; it goes something like this:

A scorpion and a turtle stood at the edge of a river. As the turtle prepared to swim across, the scorpion asked, "Will you give me a ride to the other side?"

"Absolutely not," the turtle responded. "You are a scorpion, and you will sting me before we get to the other side."

"No I won't," the scorpion answered. "That wouldn't make any sense, because if I sting you while we cross, we'll both drown. I want to get to the other side as much as you do. So let's work together, what do you say?"

It took a while, but the scorpion finally convinced the turtle to let him ride on his back as he swam across the river. Once they arrived on the opposite shore, the scorpion raised his tail and stung the turtle.

"What did you do that for?" the turtle cried, feeling sad and betrayed. The scorpion just shrugged his shoulders and said, "What did you expect? I'm a scorpion."

I was thinking about this story today. I am this turtle (even my kids call me 'Turtle'!) ..... and if the scorpion told me the next day that he needed a ride across the river again and assured me that this time, he wouldn't sting me, I would believe him. I'd believe him again the next day, even after being stung again....and again.....and again. 

It's hard not to think that I'm a bit stupid, but I know that I'm not. I am, however, really trusting. Like, REALLY trusting. I believe what people tell me, even in the face of overwhelming evidence proving that I shouldn't. I ferociously believe in redemption. I believe in change and growth and potential and I don't ever want to lose that. I like trusting people and believing the best in them. It feels better than the alternative. 

I realized today (and felt compelled to write it down so I would remember) that this topic is like everything else in life; it's all about choice and I want to own my choices. This post is not about being a victim because I don't view myself that way, ever. I can choose to find peace with being stung repeatedly, hoping that the scorpion will one day choose otherwise, or I can walk away from the scorpion. I can still love the scorpion unconditionally. I can believe in and wish the best for the scorpion but I can also choose to not be hurt - these are not mutually exclusive concepts. Choice is the only thing that is entirely within my power.   

I like my trusting nature and I'd rather be stung than become a person who is jaded. 
2015 was hard and full of lessons. 
2016 was about examining those lessons. 
2017 is going to be about putting those lessons, and the learning from them, into practice. 

Happy New Year Peeps. 💗

Important point: the scorpion isn't 'bad' and the turtle isn't 'good'. They just are, experiencing life, moving on from their individual pasts, learning and living the best way they know how to. ("....be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.")