Smiling Again

Look at these faces!!!! Seriously. 

These lovelies are my bookends. They are my beautiful, supportive, funny, smart friends who have been instrumental in my world for the past year. This picture was taken at brunch on the weekend.... we hadn't seen one another for weeks and there were tears and enormous hugs and squealing and I felt so damn happy. 

I love these broads so much.

When I moved to Kelowna I knew I needed girlfriends and these two appeared through an absolute stroke of luck. We happened to be at a luncheon organized by a mutual acquaintance and SHAZAM, the three of us bonded immediately and the rest is history. 

The night before I met with my girls for brunch, I received an email from a very wise, strong woman who is a mentor and mother figure for me. I reached out to her because I was just so fucking tired of being sad and I knew that she would have nuggets of wisdom for me and I was right. She replied to my message with words that changed everything and were the catalyst that I needed. It was powerful and instantaneous.

The next day I walked into The Grateful Fed (our usual meeting place) and saw my girls and my heart exploded. It was the best day I've had in a long, long time and when I saw the photo of us I realized that I don't remember the last time I've seen a smile on my face this pure and real.

I'm ready to move forward - no, not just ready. I'm excited about moving forward and I'm so grateful to have these two little sassies to share it with.  Here's to more smiles like this in 2017.

Love you Jen and Tracy!!! 

Quicksand

I saw this meme on Facebook today and it made me laugh. Do you remember this? Do you remember being a little kid and feeling very wary of being caught in quicksand? Completely believing that if you weren't careful, you might turn a corner and suddenly find yourself knee deep in quicksand that would suck you down into it FOREVER?!!!

Then, of course, I started overthinking it. (My close friends will not be shocked by this sentence). Lately I've been feeling 'stuck', experiencing a subtle but ongoing sadness and unease about my life in general. 

Being 49 does not remotely resemble what I thought it would look like.

I've been reading a bit about 'sitting with sadness' and it makes sense; feel it fully then let it move through. It's a bit like quicksand, I think. The more you struggle (and try to avoid feeling it), the deeper it will suck you down. My default position when I feel something unpleasant is to rationalize it and logically think through why the unpleasant thing is not actually unpleasant. Being in my head feels much safer and more familiar than being in my heart.

So, I'm going to sit with my sadness for a bit, damn it. Feel it. Grieve it. Allow it. 

BUT - instead of hoping that a vine will suddenly appear, saving me from the quicksand, I'm going to create my own rescue mission for 2017. I'm going to Vegas with some amazing women in February. Once the snow melts, I'm going to visit my Dad with a stop along the way to spend time in Cranbrook with my awesome friend Deanna who shares my penchant for wine and another stop in Lethbridge to see my son who will show me the work he's been doing with the Canadian Centre for Behavioural Neuroscience. In June, I'm going to Nova Scotia to see my other son and his beautiful girlfriend to love them and schmoosh them and experience the amazing life they've created on the other side of the country. I'm going to savour my time with my daughter because I know that having her with me on a daily basis is coming to an end and I want to create memories with her, not look back with regret at what I should have been doing.

I'm also going to let my career be something I'm grateful for and take pride in rather than being the sole focus of my world. Barb has given me strict instructions to make this a priority for 2017 and I've learned it's best not to fuck with Barb.....

Onward.

Little Wonders

I tend to blog more when my heart is heavy which is my version of meditation I suppose. I want to learn the lessons that life presents, so I don't mind sitting with my sadness because I know it serves a purpose. It's part of what's required for growth and moving forward and JESUS H CHRIST, I want to move forward.

I was at work today when "Little Wonders" by Rob Thomas came on. First of all, Rob Thomas = Rawr.... but I digress. Second, he is the KING of reaching into my soul with his music. His lyrics have often resonated with me during difficult times in my life. There were three parts of the song that really struck me.

The First:

"Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder

Don't you know.....the hardest part is over

Let it in, let your clarity define you

In the end, we will only just remember how it feels."

(Let it go - yes. Easier said then done, but yes. The hardest part really is over which leaves room for clarity. I don't ever want to forget how I feel about things, good or bad.)

The Second:

"Let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine, till you feel it all around you
And I don't mind, if it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by, it's the heart that really matters in the end."

(Time to shine and to feel it....and, yes. I will always be there for anyone to turn to, because I'm a turtle and that's ok.)

The Third:

"All of my regret, will wash away somehow
But I cannot forget the way I feel right now."

(Regret? Some, I suppose. More for what I didn't do than what I did do. I'd like to believe there are no mistakes, only lessons. I don't ever want to forget the way I feel feel right now.)

So after I sat listening to this with my wee chin quivering while sitting at my desk, the song ended and "The Girl From Ipanema" started. If you know me, you'll know that I LOVE that song. It has some sad memories attached to it so I almost turned it off....but then I realized that it has even more good memories attached to it and I love it so fuck-a-bunch-of-that, I listened to it. 

And I smiled.

The Scorpion and the Turtle

There is a fable that a former mentor of mine shared with me years ago about a scorpion and a turtle. He was teaching me a lesson about dealing with the media; it goes something like this:

A scorpion and a turtle stood at the edge of a river. As the turtle prepared to swim across, the scorpion asked, "Will you give me a ride to the other side?"

"Absolutely not," the turtle responded. "You are a scorpion, and you will sting me before we get to the other side."

"No I won't," the scorpion answered. "That wouldn't make any sense, because if I sting you while we cross, we'll both drown. I want to get to the other side as much as you do. So let's work together, what do you say?"

It took a while, but the scorpion finally convinced the turtle to let him ride on his back as he swam across the river. Once they arrived on the opposite shore, the scorpion raised his tail and stung the turtle.

"What did you do that for?" the turtle cried, feeling sad and betrayed. The scorpion just shrugged his shoulders and said, "What did you expect? I'm a scorpion."

I was thinking about this story today. I am this turtle (even my kids call me 'Turtle'!) ..... and if the scorpion told me the next day that he needed a ride across the river again and assured me that this time, he wouldn't sting me, I would believe him. I'd believe him again the next day, even after being stung again....and again.....and again. 

It's hard not to think that I'm a bit stupid, but I know that I'm not. I am, however, really trusting. Like, REALLY trusting. I believe what people tell me, even in the face of overwhelming evidence proving that I shouldn't. I ferociously believe in redemption. I believe in change and growth and potential and I don't ever want to lose that. I like trusting people and believing the best in them. It feels better than the alternative. 

I realized today (and felt compelled to write it down so I would remember) that this topic is like everything else in life; it's all about choice and I want to own my choices. This post is not about being a victim because I don't view myself that way, ever. I can choose to find peace with being stung repeatedly, hoping that the scorpion will one day choose otherwise, or I can walk away from the scorpion. I can still love the scorpion unconditionally. I can believe in and wish the best for the scorpion but I can also choose to not be hurt - these are not mutually exclusive concepts. Choice is the only thing that is entirely within my power.   

I like my trusting nature and I'd rather be stung than become a person who is jaded. 
2015 was hard and full of lessons. 
2016 was about examining those lessons. 
2017 is going to be about putting those lessons, and the learning from them, into practice. 

Happy New Year Peeps. 💗

Important point: the scorpion isn't 'bad' and the turtle isn't 'good'. They just are, experiencing life, moving on from their individual pasts, learning and living the best way they know how to. ("....be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.")     

I Heart America

I don't know where to start with this. I have a million thoughts and a million emotions right now and I'm trying to sort through it all to express it in an articulate manner.  So I'll just start by rambling....

I offended a friend on Facebook the other day with a post. An American friend. It wasn't my intention.....at all. I disagree with almost everything he thinks and says but I like him and respect him and I get a kick out of him. Agreeing with him isn't required to be his friend.

I post things about gun control (which I believe in) and equality for gender and sexuality (which I believe in) and OH-MY-GOD-TRUMP-IS-A-FUCKING-DANGEROUS-ORANGE-PSYCHO (which I also believe). I have relatives in Texas who own handguns and while that makes me feel twitchy it doesn't make me love or respect them any less. They are truly some of the finest people I know.

People talk about how friendly Canadians are. We aren't. Polite? Absolutely. Friendly? Not so much. Americans are friendly.... incredibly friendly. They chat you up at the gas station and on public transit and on the street. They are curious and open and direct. I like that about them. I really love Americans and I enjoy spending time in the US.

American friends and family - here is what I want you to know. I get why you feel like the world is critical of you. I get why you feel like we don't understand. I get why you feel defensive. Here's what I don't think you get....

We love you. We worry about you and we worry about your children. From the outside looking in, it's terrifying. We want your gay nephew to be able to walk down the street without fear of violence. We want your children to go to school without having to worry about a lunatic gunning them down. We want your peaceful Muslim neighbour to feel safe (and for you to feel safe around them too). We want this because we care about you, not because we're being critical.

There have been 70 people killed in the US due to mass shootings so far in June 2016. We are only half way through the month. It hurts to watch. It's unnecessary and heartbreaking and we worry about you.

This blog post isn't about gun control. It's not about Donald Trump. It's not about a political stance. It's not about fear or anger or violence or judgement. It's about love. When I went to look for an image to post with this blog I didn't choose the one of the American flag tattered and torn and burned (it was one of the first that came up when I did a google image search).

I chose the one in the shape of a heart because the world loves you and we just want you to be safe.

Turtle

My kids (and nephew/faux son Adam) call me 'Turtle'. They have other even less flattering names for me but I'll save those for another blog post. They've done this for years... it started when we lived in a large house with hardwood floors; my sons discovered that they were taller and stronger than me. They decided to tackle me to the floor one day when they realized that with very little effort, they could keep me there, completely helpless - like a turtle on it's back.  

Pinning me down completely stranded on my back of course wasn't enough. They escalated it - Connor would grab one foot and Jack the other. They would drag me around the house, completely helpless to stop them.  By this point I was usually laughing so hard that I couldn't stop them if I tried. This led to me squealing that I was going to pee my pants which terrified them enough to let me up.

Bridget found the cartoon that I posted at the top of the page. She laughed when she showed it to me. "Mom! It's you!! It's a turtle that always looks at the positive in a shitty situation."  I have been such a pissy pants for the past month and her words inspired me to be that person again. If I want 2016 to be better, it's time to start viewing it that way. It's always a choice.

No more of this 2015 turtle! Kicking that cranky pants to the curb......

Growth Schmowth

*sigh*

I have a great job. I'm living in a city where many people would give their left arm to live. I have healthy, happy, thriving children (who are moving on with their own lives, HOW DARE THEY??) I'm healthy. I have a roof over my head and a car that gets me from A to B daily. I have the best siblings ever and friends who love me and have my back ferociously.

I feel lost. I feel like I'm swimming in quicksand.

Everything external points towards living the dream and please don't get me wrong; I'm beyond grateful for everything mentioned in paragraph one. When the external is solid there is only one other place to look for why the lost feeling exists.  It's clearly internal.

I've been busy for the past 23 years. Busy with babies and chaos and teenagers and groceries and cooking and bill paying and career building. Suddenly I'm not busy and the lack of distraction is deafening. All the things I've defined myself with for so, so long are no longer tugging at me.

What. The. Fuck?

It happened in the blink of an eye which is, I suppose, part of why I'm standing here looking around thinking "What the hell just happened?" I always assumed this would be a gradual process and that I would be allowed to ease into it bit by bit, like walking into a cold lake on a hot summer day. That's not how it went. I was catapulted into the lake from the shore and holy-jesus-it's-cold-in-here.

It's tempting to just find ways to make myself busy again, to gather distraction the way I used to gather loads and loads of never ending laundry. But that would be a band aid and inevitably band aids fall off, leaving the unresolved issue still very much alive and well.

I want to be 4 again and have my Mom kiss it better. Pretty sure that's not an option.

So. Time to put on my big girl panties, roll up my sleeves and dig in. The seeds of that recognition have already been planted and are starting to grow.  A little. I think.

Step 1: own my shit. This has been humbling, painful and liberating. I don't like it, really....but I like the weight that is lifted because of it. I have been such an asshole in many ways and I want to do better.

Step 2: listening to my intuition. It's powerful. Shockingly powerful. I have been burying it for so long in the name of survival, or what I thought was what I needed to survive that I almost forgot it existed. It feels good to embrace it again.

Step 3: trust. Oy. Trusting people has not been my strong suit and (big recognition) when you don't trust people, you inadvertently create situations where the impending betrayal that you fear becomes a reality. Trusting requires being vulnerable which is terrifying. Here's the kicker - if I trust myself, truly trust that I will be ok no matter what happens, suddenly there is no need to control anything external. Suddenly I am free to let everything unfold and for people around me to have their own experiences, knowing that I will be ok.  Always. So, I'm working on all of it but I'm impatient. I want it to happen quicker.

As the meme says:

L O V E

I've been reflecting a lot lately about love.

I have a lot of love in my life - there are many people in my world who I love and who love me. I'm lucky that way. My kids. My siblings. My friends. What I'm learning is that in order to love them they way they deserve to be loved, I have a long way to go, but I'm learning.

I'm recognizing my shortcomings. I'm recognizing what moulded my perception of love and the conditions surrounding it. I'm learning how I've carried those unhealthy perceptions through relationships in my life. I'm learning that conditional love is completely fear based and how that is entirely about me and my flaws; it has nothing to do with the people who I love.

I've had to dig deep to have these recognitions and it's humbling. Being humbled is necessary and freeing at the same time. It's also really painful. I've had the gift of being unconditionally loved in my life. I know how that feels and the safe space it creates to be open and vulnerable. I'm not good at vulnerable. More fear based shit. I want to work hard to get to the place where I'm healthy enough, brave enough and wise enough to love unconditionally. I think the key is to believe in yourself and trust yourself enough to know that no matter what happens, it's going to be ok. In that space, there is nothing to fear.  I think. I don't know. I'm new at this.

Control. I literally had to grit my teeth to type that word. I despise controlling behaviour in people. Yeah - guess what? It's probably my worst quality. It's a recognition I had about myself several years ago (pointed out lovingly and bluntly by people who love me.... because that's part of love too - calling people on their shit). I'm not nearly as controlling as I used to be but I still have a long way to go. Guess what? Being controlling = MORE fear based shit.

Are we seeing a pattern here?

I have always had a strong aversion to the concept of 'need' where love is concerned. I've never wanted to be needed.  Wanted? Yes. Needed? No. I've also been very reluctant to put myself in a position of needing anyone. I had a big recognition around that this week; not wanting to 'need' is about not trusting the person I love but even more so it's really about not trusting myself.

I've always believed that we are 'here' to learn from the lessons that are put in front of us.... and to love. Sometimes it takes a cosmic baseball bat across the head to shake things up. Life will keep walloping you until you get it and my thick German skull doesn't always make that easy.

But I'm trying and I will keep trying.

Hate

Addiction: "Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioural control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one's behaviours and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response."  

I am not a hater. I don't hate. Not people, not things, usually not even ideas as a rule. I may dislike them but 'hate' isn't my thing.

That being said, I hate addiction. I hate it.

Hate: "Intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger or a sense of injury."

You know what I hate even more than addiction? I hate the horrible things that happen to hurt people. I hate that these horrible things cause beautiful people so much pain that they will do anything to escape that pain. It breaks my fucking heart.

I hate feeling helpless. I hate that there is not a single thing I can do to help people who I care about with that pain. I hate being the misdirected target of their anguish, an ambush that was never intended for me.

I'm not an addict so I don't understand; but just because I don't suffer from addiction, it doesn't mean that I'm not impacted by it's carnage. I am. I have been, more than once. My children have been as well and I hate that too. Hate with a capital H.

My intention was to go into 2016 with a happy and peaceful heart and at some point soon I hope that happens. But right now I'm broken from the loss of a technicolour world that has been reduced to black and white.

Because of addiction.

Sanctuary

There is a lot of anger swirling around Facebook right now regarding Syrian refugees. People are deleting friends over it and even their own Facebook accounts. This is my take for what it's worth....

I did delete a person who referred to refugees as 'sand niggers'. Pure disgusting racism. However, I also have friend who is American and he has a genuine concern for safety around terrorism - whether his concern is based in reality or not, it is a genuine concern. If I lived in a country that was impacted by 9-11, I may be far more apprehensive in this situation. I don't know and I'm grateful that I don't have to know how that must feel.

I personally support accepting refugees wholeheartedly. Full stop. But I want to come from a place of understanding for my friend who is acting out of concern for the safety of himself and his loved ones. Do I think that welcoming refugees impacts my safety? No, I don't. But for him, that feels real and I know that if I thought something was a threat to myself, or especially to my children, I would stop at nothing to fight it. Nothing. N-O-T-H-I-N-G, even if that threat was perceived and not real. So I need to have compassion or at least attempt a level of understanding for what he is experiencing. Anything less would be disloyal and closed minded.

The topics of Christianity, gun control, school shootings, Nazis and fear-based ruling of nations could be invoked at this time but I don't think it's helpful to the people who are in need of our focus. It only encourages more strife and that is not what is needed right now.

Do I have compassion for radical Islam extremists who commit acts of terror? Hell no, but they too are doing what they believe is right which just makes me sad. So where do we begin? We begin with doing the right thing. With taking all of the bullshit out of the equation and reducing it down to the Golden Rule. We help the innocents who are in this situation through no fault of their own. We help the babies and their parents who are fighting for their lives. 

Why? Because it's the right thing to do and that needs to start somewhere. 

I titled this post 'sanctuary'. I always go with my gut when I pull a title for my blog posts and that was the first thing that came to mind. Then I remembered using that title, or at least the word, in previous posts when talking about where I escape to when I need to lick my wounds (I'm talking about you, Barb Thurston and Linda Coffin). Perspective. I have a safe place to go when I'm hurt or sad or angry or feeling hopeless. I also have a comfortable safe home. These refugees, these PEOPLE have nothing. No home, no safety, nothing. My god. 

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."

-Edmund Burke