I have a lot of love in my life - there are many people in my world who I love and who love me. I'm lucky that way. My kids. My siblings. My friends. What I'm learning is that in order to love them they way they deserve to be loved, I have a long way to go, but I'm learning.
I'm recognizing my shortcomings. I'm recognizing what moulded my perception of love and the conditions surrounding it. I'm learning how I've carried those unhealthy perceptions through relationships in my life. I'm learning that conditional love is completely fear based and how that is entirely about me and my flaws; it has nothing to do with the people who I love.
I've had to dig deep to have these recognitions and it's humbling. Being humbled is necessary and freeing at the same time. It's also really painful. I've had the gift of being unconditionally loved in my life. I know how that feels and the safe space it creates to be open and vulnerable. I'm not good at vulnerable. More fear based shit. I want to work hard to get to the place where I'm healthy enough, brave enough and wise enough to love unconditionally. I think the key is to believe in yourself and trust yourself enough to know that no matter what happens, it's going to be ok. In that space, there is nothing to fear. I think. I don't know. I'm new at this.
Control. I literally had to grit my teeth to type that word. I despise controlling behaviour in people. Yeah - guess what? It's probably my worst quality. It's a recognition I had about myself several years ago (pointed out lovingly and bluntly by people who love me.... because that's part of love too - calling people on their shit). I'm not nearly as controlling as I used to be but I still have a long way to go. Guess what? Being controlling = MORE fear based shit.
Are we seeing a pattern here?
I have always had a strong aversion to the concept of 'need' where love is concerned. I've never wanted to be needed. Wanted? Yes. Needed? No. I've also been very reluctant to put myself in a position of needing anyone. I had a big recognition around that this week; not wanting to 'need' is about not trusting the person I love but even more so it's really about not trusting myself.
I've always believed that we are 'here' to learn from the lessons that are put in front of us.... and to love. Sometimes it takes a cosmic baseball bat across the head to shake things up. Life will keep walloping you until you get it and my thick German skull doesn't always make that easy.
But I'm trying and I will keep trying.
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