Quicksand

I saw this meme on Facebook today and it made me laugh. Do you remember this? Do you remember being a little kid and feeling very wary of being caught in quicksand? Completely believing that if you weren't careful, you might turn a corner and suddenly find yourself knee deep in quicksand that would suck you down into it FOREVER?!!!

Then, of course, I started overthinking it. (My close friends will not be shocked by this sentence). Lately I've been feeling 'stuck', experiencing a subtle but ongoing sadness and unease about my life in general. 

Being 49 does not remotely resemble what I thought it would look like.

I've been reading a bit about 'sitting with sadness' and it makes sense; feel it fully then let it move through. It's a bit like quicksand, I think. The more you struggle (and try to avoid feeling it), the deeper it will suck you down. My default position when I feel something unpleasant is to rationalize it and logically think through why the unpleasant thing is not actually unpleasant. Being in my head feels much safer and more familiar than being in my heart.

So, I'm going to sit with my sadness for a bit, damn it. Feel it. Grieve it. Allow it. 

BUT - instead of hoping that a vine will suddenly appear, saving me from the quicksand, I'm going to create my own rescue mission for 2017. I'm going to Vegas with some amazing women in February. Once the snow melts, I'm going to visit my Dad with a stop along the way to spend time in Cranbrook with my awesome friend Deanna who shares my penchant for wine and another stop in Lethbridge to see my son who will show me the work he's been doing with the Canadian Centre for Behavioural Neuroscience. In June, I'm going to Nova Scotia to see my other son and his beautiful girlfriend to love them and schmoosh them and experience the amazing life they've created on the other side of the country. I'm going to savour my time with my daughter because I know that having her with me on a daily basis is coming to an end and I want to create memories with her, not look back with regret at what I should have been doing.

I'm also going to let my career be something I'm grateful for and take pride in rather than being the sole focus of my world. Barb has given me strict instructions to make this a priority for 2017 and I've learned it's best not to fuck with Barb.....

Onward.