Ho Ho Ho....

Now, I like Christmas. Christmas Day, that is.

I love lighting the fireplace and watching the kids tear into their gifts.... I REALLY love cooking the turkey and smelling it throughout the house all day long. I love a house full of family and friends, combined with plenty of laughter and relaxation.

I'm not crazy about the commercial bombardment that happens beforehand. I don't like Christmas music. (Bah, humbug.) I don't like the stress that accompanies family obligation or being nervous about spending a ton of money in a small space of time.

This year, my beloved sibs are coming for the holidays. I can't believe that I have a chance to see them again so soon after the BSW 2.0. (If you don't know what BSW 2.0 means, check back in the archives of my blog!) This means that there will be EXTRA laughter on Christmas Day which always makes me happy. Speaking of laughter, my friend sent me a great email about how Santa really wants to respond to the letters he receives from children. You know me by now. You know that if I'm laughing, it is likely inappropriate or politically incorrect, or both. This email is certainly 'both' and I just have to share it with y'all. Brace yourselves.

If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly.....

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy
all yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.
Santa
(Editorial note: Me, screaming with laughter. '....banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.'?? I'll be using this in the future. I'm just sayin'.)

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.
Santa
(Editorial note: A coincidence that the one involving Scotch was sent by 'Susan'? I think not.)

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE,
PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy
Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Dear Mark,
First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams,
Santa

So, in spite of my semi-scroogish nature, I do wish everyone a wonderful Christmas. I hope it's filled with laughter and love. I really mean that. If you're in my neck of the woods, please drop by for a cup o' Christmas cheer (a.k.a. 'booze') along with an inappropriate laugh or two.