As I said in the previous post, a love letter can come in many forms. This is one that I received over 8 months ago but I've saved it and I read it often.
People who know me very, very well know that when I'm struggling, I withdraw. They don't receive phone calls from me. When they call, I don't answer. I avoid everyone as I curl up and lick my wounds. Another quirk that my inner circle is aware of is the fact that I'm a total cry baby during a chick flick or a long distance commercial, but when it comes to serious matters of the heart, I'm Margaret Thatcher.
When my marriage was at it's absolute worst and I was close to making the decision to leave, I had been avoiding My Barb because of both of the above reasons. This is the email that I received from her.
Ok my friend, what can we do to pull your life outta the terlit?
I can't believe you are avoiding me so you don't cry. I thought we talked and agreed crying is good. As you know I usually perceive things as all about me. So I was starting to think you just didn't want to talk to me.....
You can not avoid, avoid, avoid. It won't make anything better.... all it will do is cause you to be living in limbo, miserably living in limbo.
I can only imaging how tuff it is going to be to make the decision you need to make. But please don't make yourself sick by not moving forward. You are a strong, amazing woman who is a great mom and very intuitive in regards to her children's needs. They too will be fine. Please don't avoid me cause you're gonna cry.... just fucking cry dammit. That is what we do for each other. Don't be changing up the rules now.
I won't tell you how much I luv ya because I don't want to upset you.... know that I am here and when you are ready you know how to find me.
We will get through this together... one way or another.
I can't tell you the impact this letter had on me. When I read "We will get through this...." I knew that everything was going to be ok. Barb didn't say "YOU will get through this....", she said that 'we' will. I wasn't alone and I had people who would support me while I made the most difficult decision of my life.
This letter also helped me to be less of an ostrich during times of trouble. Why go through it alone when you have people like this in your life who want to support you? Sheesh.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Love Letter (Part 1)
There are many kinds of love letters that a person can receive. Tonight I opened my facebook inbox to find one from my daughter. I asked for her permission to put it on my blog because it warmed my cold little black heart in a way that I can hardly begin to describe. Here's what she wrote:
Mom,
When you write to me, it makes me feel so loved. Just the words you say make life so much more enjoyable. In your writing, you pass on emotion. I cannot wait to see you. When I say this, I speak for the family. You are the glue that keeps us together. For the 5 of us. Then the Aunts, Uncles and Grandparents, even for the people that aren't family. You keep family and friends together! Anyways, I just wanted to let you know how special you are.
It's incredible that she wrote this to me. Being the organizer/mother hen was the role I played in my family while I was growing up. In the past year as I made significant changes in my life, I withdrew from that role and my brother Darryl has let me know that my absence was palpable. This note from Gigi reminded me that while my 'hiatus' was necessary, it's time for me to get back in the game. I miss my sibs and we seem to be more cohesive when I'm doing my bossy-sister gig. I think they actually like it too.
Mom,
When you write to me, it makes me feel so loved. Just the words you say make life so much more enjoyable. In your writing, you pass on emotion. I cannot wait to see you. When I say this, I speak for the family. You are the glue that keeps us together. For the 5 of us. Then the Aunts, Uncles and Grandparents, even for the people that aren't family. You keep family and friends together! Anyways, I just wanted to let you know how special you are.
It's incredible that she wrote this to me. Being the organizer/mother hen was the role I played in my family while I was growing up. In the past year as I made significant changes in my life, I withdrew from that role and my brother Darryl has let me know that my absence was palpable. This note from Gigi reminded me that while my 'hiatus' was necessary, it's time for me to get back in the game. I miss my sibs and we seem to be more cohesive when I'm doing my bossy-sister gig. I think they actually like it too.
(Picture of my two favourite women in the world; Gigi and my Beloved Seeso.)
Sunday, December 13, 2009
I know, I know!!!!
Yes, it's been awhile since I've blogged. Thank you Barb, for reminding me. (Over and over and over again.) Barb hasn't been the only friend who has nudged me on this topic, just the most persistent one. When I logged in to the site, I wasn't sure if I remembered the password so I guess she may have a point. Please understand just how painful it is for me to actually admit to that.
My last post was on September 6th and so much has happened since then. I've been to PEI and to Vegas. I've attended a Pirate Party hosted by the amazing Don and Tamara. Snow has fallen and I'm now walking up and down my driveway; Shangri-la is definitely more appealing in the summer time, let me tell ya. I hosted a girl-party last weekend and we ate and danced and laughed which is always so good for the soul. (Yay girlfriends!)
And? I've started dating. Yup. Dating. What a bizarre world that is. I've met some really nice men and some not-so-nice men. It's a steep learning curve but such an adventure; I can honestly say that I've learned something from each of of these men and that can only be good, right? One has ended up becoming a good friend and my sounding board for dating (Hi Randy!). Another didn't like my fridge magnets (buh bye). I'm not in a hurry to find a partner and I really am content on my own.... but as Randy reminds me, we're not meant to be alone. I'm trying hard to be in the moment and to move forward with my new life and for the most part it feels pretty damn good I must admit.
Soooo.... I will post some pictures of the hinjinx from the past 3 months (Yes Barb, I did feel shame in writing that sentence. Mission accomplished.) and I will do my very best to be a bit more consistent with my posts. I really do appreciate that y'all enjoy my blog; thank you so much for that. I am truly grateful to have such amazing friends in my world. See you soon!
Crazy dancing women. 'Nuff said.
Downtown Charlottetown, fall day, mid-afternoon. Nirvana.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Toughest Blog Ever
How do I write this post?
Today I want to write about a friend who is very private and shy. I've mentioned her before on my blog, but only in passing. She knows this particular post is inevitable and has given me direction; nothing sappy or sucky. Period. So.... I'm trying to figure out how to respect her wishes while conveying what her friendship means to me. (Geez... that sentence probably already crossed a line into her 'sucky-free' zone).
I've mentioned before that my two closest friends are both named 'Barb'. They couldn't be more different. As we all know, Barb Yule LOVES to have her name in neon lights on my blog. Barb Vincent (Barbent)? Cringes at the thought.
I met Barbent when she first moved to town. We were at meeting and she was asking about the local services and wanted to know if there was a library. Library, you say? My ears perked up immediately and we started talking about books. Off we went and we didn't stop until another person at the table suggested we might want to go for coffee so that the meeting could get back on track. So, we did and the rest is history.
I don't know how to describe Barb. She's shy and bold. Quiet and hilarious. Soft and strong. A walking contradiction. We are ridiculously alike. During the past two years she has been an incredible source of support for me as my marriage imploded. She never once told me what she thought I should do; however she did say "Something has to happen. You can't just keep spinning your wheels." She was right.
She makes me laugh (til we both snort). She calls me on my shit. She asks the hard questions. She makes me watch 'The Bachelor'. She stalks me when I'm overwhelmed and I withdraw into my cocoon, ignoring the phone and the world around me (which is my modus operandi). She's an amazing friend and we don't get too many of those in this life.
She's moving to Regina. Today. We went for dinner last night, the two of us with her wonderful, patient partner, Norm. LDR and Tim joined us too and we had a great time. Tons of laughter and great conversation. I tried to pretend it was just dinner, not the last dinner. Today I went up to the barn where she and Norm were loading the horses into the trailer before leaving. I almost missed them and we stopped on the side of the road to say goodbye. Impossible to pretend this time. I will miss her more than I can tell you and Nakusp feels like such a very lonely place today.
(Not too sucky, right? How did I do??)
Today I want to write about a friend who is very private and shy. I've mentioned her before on my blog, but only in passing. She knows this particular post is inevitable and has given me direction; nothing sappy or sucky. Period. So.... I'm trying to figure out how to respect her wishes while conveying what her friendship means to me. (Geez... that sentence probably already crossed a line into her 'sucky-free' zone).
I've mentioned before that my two closest friends are both named 'Barb'. They couldn't be more different. As we all know, Barb Yule LOVES to have her name in neon lights on my blog. Barb Vincent (Barbent)? Cringes at the thought.
I met Barbent when she first moved to town. We were at meeting and she was asking about the local services and wanted to know if there was a library. Library, you say? My ears perked up immediately and we started talking about books. Off we went and we didn't stop until another person at the table suggested we might want to go for coffee so that the meeting could get back on track. So, we did and the rest is history.
I don't know how to describe Barb. She's shy and bold. Quiet and hilarious. Soft and strong. A walking contradiction. We are ridiculously alike. During the past two years she has been an incredible source of support for me as my marriage imploded. She never once told me what she thought I should do; however she did say "Something has to happen. You can't just keep spinning your wheels." She was right.
She makes me laugh (til we both snort). She calls me on my shit. She asks the hard questions. She makes me watch 'The Bachelor'. She stalks me when I'm overwhelmed and I withdraw into my cocoon, ignoring the phone and the world around me (which is my modus operandi). She's an amazing friend and we don't get too many of those in this life.
She's moving to Regina. Today. We went for dinner last night, the two of us with her wonderful, patient partner, Norm. LDR and Tim joined us too and we had a great time. Tons of laughter and great conversation. I tried to pretend it was just dinner, not the last dinner. Today I went up to the barn where she and Norm were loading the horses into the trailer before leaving. I almost missed them and we stopped on the side of the road to say goodbye. Impossible to pretend this time. I will miss her more than I can tell you and Nakusp feels like such a very lonely place today.
(Not too sucky, right? How did I do??)
Done!
Just to be clear;
#1 Packrat - Priscilla
#2 Packrat - Percy
How do I know this? Because I caught Percy and he was MUCH bigger (and stinkier... sorry fellas) than the first one. He was far less agreeable to the whole 'getting caught' process as well.
I'd like to believe that I'm done with trapping critters. Some friends laugh when I say this. They believe that there is an entire family (with in-laws and cousins) living here or at least nearby. I set the trap again last night, just in case. No packrat this morning.
I'll be sure to keep you posted.
*sigh*
#1 Packrat - Priscilla
#2 Packrat - Percy
How do I know this? Because I caught Percy and he was MUCH bigger (and stinkier... sorry fellas) than the first one. He was far less agreeable to the whole 'getting caught' process as well.
I'd like to believe that I'm done with trapping critters. Some friends laugh when I say this. They believe that there is an entire family (with in-laws and cousins) living here or at least nearby. I set the trap again last night, just in case. No packrat this morning.
I'll be sure to keep you posted.
*sigh*
Friday, September 4, 2009
A Conversation
So, Suze... it's Friday night! What are you up to?
Well, dear Internet, I'm setting a trap for a Packrat.
Good heavens, Suze. Why would you do such a thing? You already caught Percy!
Why yes. Yes I did already catch Percy. You're absolutely correct.
Then why on earth would you set the trap again? Is this a new hobby for you?
Oh, no!! *chuckle, chuckle, chuckle* Silly, Internet. It's not a new hobby for me. I'm setting the Packrat trap yet again BECAUSE I HAVE ANOTHER FUCKING PACKRAT LIVING WITH ME. How do I know this? Because I found a previously unopened package of crackers on the floor of my laundry room with a big FUCKING chewy-hole chewed in it. Not a delicate little mouse chewy-hole, a big Packrat chewy hole. Remember our "Is it a Percy or Priscilla Packrat" debate? Yeah, try Percy AND Priscilla.
Oh. Oh, dear.
Yeah. "Oh, dear indeed."
********
I was clearly in denial.
My friend Barb (Barbent, not Mybarb) said "Susan, I think you might have another packrat..."
To which I replied, "No. No, I don't. I only had one and it's gone."
My son Connor said, "Ma... the packrat you caught isn't the same colour as the one we saw the other night...."
To which I replied, "You must be mistaken, Connor. Perhaps it was the light."
Wish me luck. Mybarb is dying to have a critter of her own and has asked me to relocate the packrat to her house. I plan to happily oblige her. Karma, Baby!
Well, dear Internet, I'm setting a trap for a Packrat.
Good heavens, Suze. Why would you do such a thing? You already caught Percy!
Why yes. Yes I did already catch Percy. You're absolutely correct.
Then why on earth would you set the trap again? Is this a new hobby for you?
Oh, no!! *chuckle, chuckle, chuckle* Silly, Internet. It's not a new hobby for me. I'm setting the Packrat trap yet again BECAUSE I HAVE ANOTHER FUCKING PACKRAT LIVING WITH ME. How do I know this? Because I found a previously unopened package of crackers on the floor of my laundry room with a big FUCKING chewy-hole chewed in it. Not a delicate little mouse chewy-hole, a big Packrat chewy hole. Remember our "Is it a Percy or Priscilla Packrat" debate? Yeah, try Percy AND Priscilla.
Oh. Oh, dear.
Yeah. "Oh, dear indeed."
********
I was clearly in denial.
My friend Barb (Barbent, not Mybarb) said "Susan, I think you might have another packrat..."
To which I replied, "No. No, I don't. I only had one and it's gone."
My son Connor said, "Ma... the packrat you caught isn't the same colour as the one we saw the other night...."
To which I replied, "You must be mistaken, Connor. Perhaps it was the light."
Wish me luck. Mybarb is dying to have a critter of her own and has asked me to relocate the packrat to her house. I plan to happily oblige her. Karma, Baby!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Percy is Pissed!
Seriously people!!!
Look at his cute eyes. His cute little fingers. His bushy little tail!
Everyone; meet Percy.
(I can't get used to Priscilla. Just can't do it.)
Since I had no success for 2 nights in a row with the trap, I decided to do a little googling. The general consensus seemed to be that peanut butter was the best lure, so I put some on a cracker, tucked it into the cage and set the trap. I turned the lights off, came into my bedroom and was sitting on the edge of my bed, setting my alarm clock for the morning when I heard 'wham'! I assumed that I simply hadn't set the trap correctly and went to reset it.
The second I entered the kitchen, Percy went bananas.
B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
It was like the cage itself was alive. I grabbed my camera (thinking of y'all and the photos I promised) and laid down on my stomach on the floor. I started talking to him and he settled right down. I guess he's used to my voice. He was very curious about the camera and the noises that it was making but went about his business, eating peanut butter and trying to plot his escape.
At the moment, Percy is in his cage in the garage. Driving up a logging road in the dark at 11:00pm on a Sunday night didn't seem like the smartest choice so he'll stay there until I finish work tomorrow and I'll do the release then.
I know I sound very calm and brave at the moment, but of course after I discovered him, I immediately called my friend-who-doesn't-want-to-be-named-in-my-blog (still rhymes with 'Barb Vincent') and left her a hysterical voicemail message. I have no doubt that she will laugh hysterically when she listens to it. I bet Percy would LOVE to move in with Barb.... she has a nice horse trailer that would be perfect for him.
So. Percy 3, Suze 1. I'm not confident enough to claim victory just yet.... little Houdini could still suprise me when I open the garage door tomorrow.
To be continued....
Saturday, August 29, 2009
0418 Hrs
Almost asleep... just on the verge when I hear 'THUNK'.
My bleary mind thinks "Oh, must be Percy."
Suddenly my eyes are wide open, remembering the 'live trap'.
Then I groan, remembering the Priscilla potential.
I head for the kitchen, turning lights on as I go.
There on the kitchen counter is the trap with the door closed.
There beside the cage (no, not inside) is Priscilla-Percy.
Priscilla-Percy 2 Suze 0
My bleary mind thinks "Oh, must be Percy."
Suddenly my eyes are wide open, remembering the 'live trap'.
Then I groan, remembering the Priscilla potential.
I head for the kitchen, turning lights on as I go.
There on the kitchen counter is the trap with the door closed.
There beside the cage (no, not inside) is Priscilla-Percy.
Priscilla-Percy 2 Suze 0
Oh. My. God.
So, Connor requires a ride home from Fauquier at around 12:30am. No Percy sightings yet and I'm surprised; I usually see him buy this time of night. Off to Fauquier to pick up Connor, home at 2:00am. I come into the house, certain that Percy will have been captured, but alas, the cage is empty.
I haven't seen Connor in over a week, so we sit on the sofa to talk and catch up. I hear a noise. Outside. Huh? The windows are open and who shows up, climbing the screens? Percy. Outside the house.
Connor goes to open the patio door and I holler at him to stop. Don't let Percy in!!! But Ma, how will you catch him in the cage if he's outside? WTF?? I'm going to let a packrat INTO my house so that I can catch him in a cage? I decide to leave Percy outside when he climbs onto the screen again.
Connor watches Percy then says "Uh... Ma?".
Oh, God. I see it too. Mother of God, I see it too.
Percy has nipples. Big nipples. Percy is Priscilla.
And Priscilla is either about 7 minutes from giving birth or has a litter of critters somewhere.
(I refuse to say it. Don't make me say it.)
No wonder Priscilla is going bananas at my window screen trying to get INTO the house.
0348hrs.
Priscilla 1 Suze 0
I haven't seen Connor in over a week, so we sit on the sofa to talk and catch up. I hear a noise. Outside. Huh? The windows are open and who shows up, climbing the screens? Percy. Outside the house.
Connor goes to open the patio door and I holler at him to stop. Don't let Percy in!!! But Ma, how will you catch him in the cage if he's outside? WTF?? I'm going to let a packrat INTO my house so that I can catch him in a cage? I decide to leave Percy outside when he climbs onto the screen again.
Connor watches Percy then says "Uh... Ma?".
Oh, God. I see it too. Mother of God, I see it too.
Percy has nipples. Big nipples. Percy is Priscilla.
And Priscilla is either about 7 minutes from giving birth or has a litter of critters somewhere.
(I refuse to say it. Don't make me say it.)
No wonder Priscilla is going bananas at my window screen trying to get INTO the house.
0348hrs.
Priscilla 1 Suze 0
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