The Payoff

Soooooo..... the payoff. Before we talk about 'the payoff', I'll have to do a quick summary of the past two-ish years. (Spoiler alert and summary for those who don't like reading - happy, tortured, excited, devastated, hopeful, happy, etc).

2014: Kids, work, life, laundry. Groceries....more groceries, then laundry again. Laughter, anxiety, love, life-out-of-control. 

2015: New beginning, dream job, David (oh, David). New city, empty-ish nest (bigger ouch than I understood at the time). Heart break. Shell shocked. Zombie Suze.

2016: Workaholic. *Sob* Blur.  "Barb, I need your couch AND POTATO CHIPS! Carbohydrates will make it all better, I KNOW IT."  Magnifying glass on my soul, owning my shit. *more sobbing* Owning it for real.

2017: Realization that carbohydrates aren't the answer (but oh, so fucking tasty). Substitute treadmill for carbohydrates and crying. *Tiny Sob* Healthier both emotionally and physically, and oh, is that a light at the end of the tunnel??

The payoff is that I've worked my ASS off (literally and figuratively) to be happy and healthy and guess what y'all? I am happy *Smiley face instead of sob*. I saw a photo of myself from the weekend and thought to myself "Holy cats - I look genuinely happy."

I've learned so much and I'm a better person for it. I feel whole and content. I've figured out what I want and I'm learning how to get it. I've created space in my life for the beautiful people who I love. I have amazing friends who have endured and loved me through my gross sob-ish-ness, happy children, the best family ever, a good job and a stable life. 

I am so incredibly grateful for it all, even the awful stuff because it's what has brought me to this point. 

This is the payoff.

This Guy

(Susan, Randy and Al)

I've blogged about Randy before - he's been one of my best friends for almost a decade and has been a rock for me during that entire time. He's been there for my kids too in a huge way, no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT. Do you know how rare that is in this life?

Today is his birthday so I'm taking a moment to celebrate him because he's one of the most remarkable men I know. He's strong and determined and generous and funny as fuck. He calls me on my shit which I value more than I can say.

Last night Gigi and I were invited to a dinner party in his honour with his wife Deanne and two of his best friends from childhood, Al and Andy. I asked what I could bring and he jokingly said "An ice cream cake with 'Happy Birthday Dick' on it". Who am I to get in the way of a birthday wish? The ice cream cake store did not disappoint when I made it clear that the birthday boy was not named Dick.

(Susan, Handsome Randy and Al-the-photo-bomber)

So....Happy Birthday Randy. I'm so glad you're in my life (and the life of my brats). Love you to bits, brother. 

Playing It Safe

Ok. This is the second blog in a row that opens with an internet meme/quote. I'll try not to make it a habit. If I do, please feel free to gather my loved ones and stage an intervention. Please. PLEASE.

In all seriousness, internet memes saved my life over the past two years. Well, perhaps not *literally* saved my life but pretty damn close. I stored them on my laptop, tucked them away at work, in my phone, between pages in books and pretty much anywhere I could have them at my fingertips. They were my go-to whenever I needed to feel grounded or less crazy or laugh or just not hurt for 10 fucking minutes, thank-you-very-much. 

The one at the top of this page is my all time favourite quote. I've had it on my office wall at various jobs for over a decade now, but in truth it applies far more to my personal life than my career. Yes. A ship in port IS safe but that is absolutely not what ships are built for. It would actually be a tragedy to see a majestic, beautiful ship sit stagnant in port rather than be sailed and tested to it's limits.

I'm a bit of a fraidy-cat. I tend to play it safe in life (I can hear Barb in my head right now saying "How's that workin' for ya?") In college, Barb was the first person who really taught me to take risks in life and we had so much fun learning together. Lucky for us, the consequences weren't terribly big at that time. Life saved them for much later, when we were stronger, I suppose. 

I should probably feel grateful but I'm not quite there yet. I do feel snippets of gratitude for those lessons but they still sting. Less than before but they do. I think that as it ebbs, it will create more room for gratitude. Or perhaps the gratitude chases away the sting and I have it totally backwards? I just might be onto something there - I bet there's an internet meme somewhere that will bring me complete and utter clarity on the topic.....

Although it terrifies me, I'm learning that there is strength in vulnerability. It's really the ultimate form of strength, no? When you are strong enough to allow yourself to be vulnerable, that's the sweet spot. When you trust yourself, you know you're going to be just fine no matter what life throws your way.

I vowed that 2017 was going to be better and it has been. I'm stronger, I'm healthier, I'm happier, I'm living. The ship is pulling out of port - batten down the hatches, bitches!

Purpose

I remember my parents asking me when I was small if I wanted to be a teacher or a nurse. I didn't want to be either. I told them that perhaps I would like to be a doctor and they looked at me like I had a horn growing out of my head. Finally I said "I want to be a wife and mom", not by default but because this is truly all I wanted. They agreed this was a good goal to have but that I would need a back up plan, "in case". I naively told them I had no plans to ever be divorced so did not require a back up plan. They cautioned me that life does not always go as planned.

Those words have perhaps been the most impressive understatement I've ever encountered.

I've given a lot of thought to this recently. All I ever really wanted in this life was to have a family of my own and I've always believed that if you work hard enough, you can make anything happen. With love relationships, that theory didn't pan out and it kind of broke my heart..... but in the midst of my pondering, it occurred to me that with motherhood, the love and effort absolutely equalled the 'result'. When I saw the meme at the top of this page, I smiled. I love my career and have worked really hard for it and I believe that I make a difference in the lives of the families I work with, but it's not my reason for being. 

Raising my kids and being a piece in the lives of my step kids, faux kids, nieces and nephews - that is my reason for being. My siblings and friends are the cherry on that awesome sundae. 

I'm not sure I'm meant to be part of a pair. (Bridget disagrees with this statement strongly and insisted that I add this sentence. She's bossy. No idea where she gets that from) I think my purpose in this life has been loving and schmooshing and yelling at all the nubbins I've raised or have impacted in some way. As far as legacies go, for me it doesn't get much better than that. 

NUBBINS EVERYWHERE!!!!!