Love Letter (Part 2)

As I said in the previous post, a love letter can come in many forms. This is one that I received over 8 months ago but I've saved it and I read it often.

People who know me very, very well know that when I'm struggling, I withdraw. They don't receive phone calls from me. When they call, I don't answer. I avoid everyone as I curl up and lick my wounds. Another quirk that my inner circle is aware of is the fact that I'm a total cry baby during a chick flick or a long distance commercial, but when it comes to serious matters of the heart, I'm Margaret Thatcher.

When my marriage was at it's absolute worst and I was close to making the decision to leave, I had been avoiding My Barb because of both of the above reasons. This is the email that I received from her.

Ok my friend, what can we do to pull your life outta the terlit?
I can't believe you are avoiding me so you don't cry. I thought we talked and agreed crying is good. As you know I usually perceive things as all about me. So I was starting to think you just didn't want to talk to me.....

You can not avoid, avoid, avoid. It won't make anything better.... all it will do is cause you to be living in limbo, miserably living in limbo.

I can only imaging how tuff it is going to be to make the decision you need to make. But please don't make yourself sick by not moving forward. You are a strong, amazing woman who is a great mom and very intuitive in regards to her children's needs. They too will be fine. Please don't avoid me cause you're gonna cry.... just fucking cry dammit. That is what we do for each other. Don't be changing up the rules now.

I won't tell you how much I luv ya because I don't want to upset you.... know that I am here and when you are ready you know how to find me.

We will get through this together... one way or another.

I can't tell you the impact this letter had on me. When I read "We will get through this...." I knew that everything was going to be ok. Barb didn't say "YOU will get through this....", she said that 'we' will. I wasn't alone and I had people who would support me while I made the most difficult decision of my life.

This letter also helped me to be less of an ostrich during times of trouble. Why go through it alone when you have people like this in your life who want to support you? Sheesh.

Love Letter (Part 1)

There are many kinds of love letters that a person can receive. Tonight I opened my facebook inbox to find one from my daughter. I asked for her permission to put it on my blog because it warmed my cold little black heart in a way that I can hardly begin to describe. Here's what she wrote:


Mom,

When you write to me, it makes me feel so loved. Just the words you say make life so much more enjoyable. In your writing, you pass on emotion. I cannot wait to see you. When I say this, I speak for the family. You are the glue that keeps us together. For the 5 of us. Then the Aunts, Uncles and Grandparents, even for the people that aren't family. You keep family and friends together! Anyways, I just wanted to let you know how special you are.


It's incredible that she wrote this to me. Being the organizer/mother hen was the role I played in my family while I was growing up. In the past year as I made significant changes in my life, I withdrew from that role and my brother Darryl has let me know that my absence was palpable. This note from Gigi reminded me that while my 'hiatus' was necessary, it's time for me to get back in the game. I miss my sibs and we seem to be more cohesive when I'm doing my bossy-sister gig. I think they actually like it too.

(Picture of my two favourite women in the world; Gigi and my Beloved Seeso.)

I know, I know!!!!

Yes, it's been awhile since I've blogged. Thank you Barb, for reminding me. (Over and over and over again.) Barb hasn't been the only friend who has nudged me on this topic, just the most persistent one. When I logged in to the site, I wasn't sure if I remembered the password so I guess she may have a point. Please understand just how painful it is for me to actually admit to that.

My last post was on September 6th and so much has happened since then. I've been to PEI and to Vegas. I've attended a Pirate Party hosted by the amazing Don and Tamara. Snow has fallen and I'm now walking up and down my driveway; Shangri-la is definitely more appealing in the summer time, let me tell ya. I hosted a girl-party last weekend and we ate and danced and laughed which is always so good for the soul. (Yay girlfriends!)

And? I've started dating. Yup. Dating. What a bizarre world that is. I've met some really nice men and some not-so-nice men. It's a steep learning curve but such an adventure; I can honestly say that I've learned something from each of of these men and that can only be good, right? One has ended up becoming a good friend and my sounding board for dating (Hi Randy!). Another didn't like my fridge magnets (buh bye). I'm not in a hurry to find a partner and I really am content on my own.... but as Randy reminds me, we're not meant to be alone. I'm trying hard to be in the moment and to move forward with my new life and for the most part it feels pretty damn good I must admit.

Soooo.... I will post some pictures of the hinjinx from the past 3 months (Yes Barb, I did feel shame in writing that sentence. Mission accomplished.) and I will do my very best to be a bit more consistent with my posts. I really do appreciate that y'all enjoy my blog; thank you so much for that. I am truly grateful to have such amazing friends in my world. See you soon!

Crazy dancing women. 'Nuff said.

Downtown Charlottetown, fall day, mid-afternoon. Nirvana.

Toughest Blog Ever

How do I write this post?

Today I want to write about a friend who is very private and shy. I've mentioned her before on my blog, but only in passing. She knows this particular post is inevitable and has given me direction; nothing sappy or sucky. Period. So.... I'm trying to figure out how to respect her wishes while conveying what her friendship means to me. (Geez... that sentence probably already crossed a line into her 'sucky-free' zone).

I've mentioned before that my two closest friends are both named 'Barb'. They couldn't be more different. As we all know, Barb Yule LOVES to have her name in neon lights on my blog. Barb Vincent (Barbent)? Cringes at the thought.

I met Barbent when she first moved to town. We were at meeting and she was asking about the local services and wanted to know if there was a library. Library, you say? My ears perked up immediately and we started talking about books. Off we went and we didn't stop until another person at the table suggested we might want to go for coffee so that the meeting could get back on track. So, we did and the rest is history.

I don't know how to describe Barb. She's shy and bold. Quiet and hilarious. Soft and strong. A walking contradiction. We are ridiculously alike. During the past two years she has been an incredible source of support for me as my marriage imploded. She never once told me what she thought I should do; however she did say "Something has to happen. You can't just keep spinning your wheels." She was right.

She makes me laugh (til we both snort). She calls me on my shit. She asks the hard questions. She makes me watch 'The Bachelor'. She stalks me when I'm overwhelmed and I withdraw into my cocoon, ignoring the phone and the world around me (which is my modus operandi). She's an amazing friend and we don't get too many of those in this life.

She's moving to Regina. Today. We went for dinner last night, the two of us with her wonderful, patient partner, Norm. LDR and Tim joined us too and we had a great time. Tons of laughter and great conversation. I tried to pretend it was just dinner, not the last dinner. Today I went up to the barn where she and Norm were loading the horses into the trailer before leaving. I almost missed them and we stopped on the side of the road to say goodbye. Impossible to pretend this time. I will miss her more than I can tell you and Nakusp feels like such a very lonely place today.


(Not too sucky, right? How did I do??)

Done!

Just to be clear;
#1 Packrat - Priscilla
#2 Packrat - Percy

How do I know this? Because I caught Percy and he was MUCH bigger (and stinkier... sorry fellas) than the first one. He was far less agreeable to the whole 'getting caught' process as well.

I'd like to believe that I'm done with trapping critters. Some friends laugh when I say this. They believe that there is an entire family (with in-laws and cousins) living here or at least nearby. I set the trap again last night, just in case. No packrat this morning.

I'll be sure to keep you posted.
*sigh*

A Conversation

So, Suze... it's Friday night! What are you up to?

Well, dear Internet, I'm setting a trap for a Packrat.

Good heavens, Suze. Why would you do such a thing? You already caught Percy!

Why yes. Yes I did already catch Percy. You're absolutely correct.

Then why on earth would you set the trap again? Is this a new hobby for you?

Oh, no!! *chuckle, chuckle, chuckle* Silly, Internet. It's not a new hobby for me. I'm setting the Packrat trap yet again BECAUSE I HAVE ANOTHER FUCKING PACKRAT LIVING WITH ME. How do I know this? Because I found a previously unopened package of crackers on the floor of my laundry room with a big FUCKING chewy-hole chewed in it. Not a delicate little mouse chewy-hole, a big Packrat chewy hole. Remember our "Is it a Percy or Priscilla Packrat" debate? Yeah, try Percy AND Priscilla.

Oh. Oh, dear.

Yeah. "Oh, dear indeed."
********

I was clearly in denial.

My friend Barb (Barbent, not Mybarb) said "Susan, I think you might have another packrat..."
To which I replied, "No. No, I don't. I only had one and it's gone."

My son Connor said, "Ma... the packrat you caught isn't the same colour as the one we saw the other night...."
To which I replied, "You must be mistaken, Connor. Perhaps it was the light."

Wish me luck. Mybarb is dying to have a critter of her own and has asked me to relocate the packrat to her house. I plan to happily oblige her. Karma, Baby!

Percy is Pissed!

Seriously people!!!

Look at his cute eyes. His cute little fingers. His bushy little tail!

Everyone; meet Percy.

(I can't get used to Priscilla. Just can't do it.)

Since I had no success for 2 nights in a row with the trap, I decided to do a little googling. The general consensus seemed to be that peanut butter was the best lure, so I put some on a cracker, tucked it into the cage and set the trap. I turned the lights off, came into my bedroom and was sitting on the edge of my bed, setting my alarm clock for the morning when I heard 'wham'! I assumed that I simply hadn't set the trap correctly and went to reset it.

The second I entered the kitchen, Percy went bananas.

B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

It was like the cage itself was alive. I grabbed my camera (thinking of y'all and the photos I promised) and laid down on my stomach on the floor. I started talking to him and he settled right down. I guess he's used to my voice. He was very curious about the camera and the noises that it was making but went about his business, eating peanut butter and trying to plot his escape.

At the moment, Percy is in his cage in the garage. Driving up a logging road in the dark at 11:00pm on a Sunday night didn't seem like the smartest choice so he'll stay there until I finish work tomorrow and I'll do the release then.

I know I sound very calm and brave at the moment, but of course after I discovered him, I immediately called my friend-who-doesn't-want-to-be-named-in-my-blog (still rhymes with 'Barb Vincent') and left her a hysterical voicemail message. I have no doubt that she will laugh hysterically when she listens to it. I bet Percy would LOVE to move in with Barb.... she has a nice horse trailer that would be perfect for him.

So. Percy 3, Suze 1. I'm not confident enough to claim victory just yet.... little Houdini could still suprise me when I open the garage door tomorrow.

To be continued....

*sigh*

0945 hrs.

Trap door triggered shut, no packrat in it.

Percy-Priscilla 3 Suze 0

0418 Hrs

Almost asleep... just on the verge when I hear 'THUNK'.
My bleary mind thinks "Oh, must be Percy."
Suddenly my eyes are wide open, remembering the 'live trap'.
Then I groan, remembering the Priscilla potential.

I head for the kitchen, turning lights on as I go.
There on the kitchen counter is the trap with the door closed.
There beside the cage (no, not inside) is Priscilla-Percy.

Priscilla-Percy 2 Suze 0

Oh. My. God.

So, Connor requires a ride home from Fauquier at around 12:30am. No Percy sightings yet and I'm surprised; I usually see him buy this time of night. Off to Fauquier to pick up Connor, home at 2:00am. I come into the house, certain that Percy will have been captured, but alas, the cage is empty.

I haven't seen Connor in over a week, so we sit on the sofa to talk and catch up. I hear a noise. Outside. Huh? The windows are open and who shows up, climbing the screens? Percy. Outside the house.

Connor goes to open the patio door and I holler at him to stop. Don't let Percy in!!! But Ma, how will you catch him in the cage if he's outside? WTF?? I'm going to let a packrat INTO my house so that I can catch him in a cage? I decide to leave Percy outside when he climbs onto the screen again.

Connor watches Percy then says "Uh... Ma?".
Oh, God. I see it too. Mother of God, I see it too.

Percy has nipples. Big nipples. Percy is Priscilla.
And Priscilla is either about 7 minutes from giving birth or has a litter of critters somewhere.
(I refuse to say it. Don't make me say it.)
No wonder Priscilla is going bananas at my window screen trying to get INTO the house.

0348hrs.
Priscilla 1 Suze 0

The Plot to Pinch Percy the Packrat

Operation Capture Percy has commenced. At approximately 1630 hrs the 'live trap' was procured.

Subsequently, a shiny object and apple remnants were placed carefully in the trap near his favourite spot in the house (beside the bread basket and the shiny coffee maker).

Countertops were bleached (yet again - packrat feet.... ugh) and will obviously be bleached again upon capture.

ETA for completion of Stage 1 of this mission: 0200 hours. (Nocturnal little mofo). Updates to follow once fugitive has been secured. Photographic documentation for the purpose of helping people understand just how cute he is and why there is no way in hell I can drown him (advice from practically every male I have talked to in the past 3 days) to follow as well.

Gustafson out.

**Postscript: I am ridiculously proud of myself for setting this contraption up all by myself. Yes, Ray (the fella who is lending me his trap... thanks Ray!) had to explain it to me FOUR times, but still, I did it!!!

It's Official.

War has been declared.

Percy ate my caramilk last night.
Nibble on my bread? Kinda cute.
Steal my cherries? Who could blame him?!
Eat my caramilk? Mess with my chocolate?!!

You've gone too far, Percy my friend.
You've heard the saying "Don't rub another man's rhubarb"?
Yeah, well you don't ever, ever come between a woman and her chocolate.

The live trap arrives tonight.
Once he is my captive, I will take pictures for you all to see.
If you've been nice to me this year, you're safe.
If not?
Guess where Percy just might be released?

To be continued......

Claudette

Please meet my beautiful friend, Claudette. If you don't mind, I'd like you all to take a moment, close your eyes and send positive thoughts her way. Notch Hill in Sorrento (just outside of Blind Bay) is on fire and the fire is now only 1 kilometer from Claudette's house. She and her family have been evacuated and there is nothing I can do to help other than to let her know how much I love her and that I'm thinking about her.

I met Claudette through Barb in Blind Bay. As you know, I love all of the Blind Bay Bitches but Claudette and I connected through tequila so you can imagine how powerful that bond is. (Seriously!!) She is my Sista, my friend and an incredible woman. I'm concerned for her but not worried because I know how strong and positive she is. She will forge ahead and be just fine no matter what happens.

When my marriage ended, I received an email from Claudette that I clung to; I still read it often. Her words were wise and calmed me when I felt like everything was spiralling out of control; she reminded me of my own strength and now I have the chance to remind her of hers. You are an amazing, positive, strong, compassionate, feisty broad, Claudette. You're gonna be just fine.....

(Group hug for Claudette!!!)

xo

Suze Vs. Percy

(Left: What a packrat really looks like and Right: What I think a packrat looks like)

Tonight, I went to bed and read for a bit (ok, a long bit). Harmless one would think, right? Not so much. I was reading peacefully when suddenly I heard a noise in the kitchen. Being the intrepid country girl that I am, I went to investigate.

There on my countertop, happily eating my cherries (that I just bought today, thank you very much) was a packrat. A PACKRAT. Now, I suspected that I might have a packrat living with me (and anyone who reads my blog knows this isn't the first time I've encountered this particular bit o' fun) but I was happily in denial until this point.

I looked at him. He looked at me. Then he carried on eating my cherries. So I did what any rational person would do; I yelled a very bad word ('Motherfucker' to be exact - sorry, Aunt Gay) and grabbed my broom. Cleverly (or so I thought) I opened the screen door to the deck and the chase was on. I tried to gently guide him (read: "beat") him towards the open door. He decided that going under my sofa was a much better idea which is hard evidence that this creature is likely smarter than I am. I stuffed the broom under the sofa and he took off again with me chasing behind him until he decided to go downstairs. No way in HELL was I following him. It's dark down there and being a nocturnal creature, I decided that he likely had the distinct advantage at that point.

I needed moral support so I phoned one of my friends who doesn't want to be named in my blog (it rhymes with 'Barb Vincent') to tell her my tale of woe. She laughed. She laughed and laughed and laughed. She told me that we should name him (Percy the Packrat, no less) and that I should just think of him as a small cat. Uh huh. She thinks this is a spectator sport. Tomorrow night she wants to come over and see him.

I had just finally calmed myself down when the wee bugger made a second appearance. A second appearance! I had put everything that resembled food away securely in the hopes of thwarting his thievery, but this time he decided to eat the flowers that my Seeso left for me. I liked my flowers!!! More broom action, less swearing. Back down to the basement he went.

I hate to admit it, but.... he was cute. Not just a little cute. Really cute. Imagine a squirrel, but about 4 times larger. Seriously, how cute is that?? Tomorrow I will find a live trap. I think I know a guy who has one. Aaarrrggghh!!!

Maybe Barb needs a 'small cat' at her place.....

Ok people. I just got up to pee and what do I hear? Skittering. In the kitchen. The lights go on again only to reveal the not-so-cute-anymore packrat with a guilty look on his face. I forgot to take the bread out of the bread basket. Yes, on the counter. Round 3. Broom in one hand, dustpan in the other. Wild look in my eyes. Medusa hair. Terrified packrat. Behind the microwave? Oh, no mister, I can get you there. More packrat terror. More wild-eyed Suze. He finally regains his composure and finds his path downstairs again. Seriously people. It's 3:26am!!!! Grrrrr...... perhaps I can find a less humane trap in town tomorrow. Like, say... a weapon. Ninja thingies. Whatever. I'm in. If you see me in cammo with a crossbow slung across my back in the next day or two, best not to ask any questions.

Mike 'n Sue

Meet Mike and Sue.

Mike and Sue are very close friends of my brother Darryl and I have hijacked them from him. I kid, I kid!! (Sorta). As Sue assures me, she has lots of love to go around.

I met these wonderful people last October during our annual 'Barth Sibling Weekend'. They were very gracious and didn't stay long, not wanting to interrupt the sib bonding, but they really wanted to pop by to meet Darryl's clan and I'm so glad that they did. Sue and I clicked immediately. You know when you meet a person and you think "Oh, yeah. THIS person I could really like..."? Exactly.

After meeting them in Calgary, Sue and I kept in touch periodically via email or now and then by phone but not often. A couple of weeks ago she called to touch base to see how I was doing (she'd heard through brother Dare about recent changes in my world) and then she called a few days later to say that they would be in BC and asked if it would it be ok if they came through Nakusp to stay the night? Hell, yes!

They arrived with amazing cheese and brilliant wine and a gift for me -- one of Mike's paintings that Sue had framed; a prairie landscape, my favourite. Anyone who knows me well knows that I collect prairie art. (See it above? Do you see that incredible sun?? I just love it.) Such an unexpected and much, much appreciated gift.

Within minutes of their arrival, Mike had a beer in hand and his watercolours unpacked and was out on the deck painting a landscape. It felt so comfortable and so.... right. They took me out for dinner (thanks again for the great meal, my friends) then we came home and ate the cheese and wine they brought. Let me stop here. This wasn't mozarella and Lonesome Charlie, ok? Seriously. Sue hates cheese but my God she knows how to pair it with wine. The purpose of their BC excursion was to purchase wine from a winery in Kermeos that they enjoy and it was a little sliver of heaven, let me tell you.

Connor sat up with us and we talked and listened to music into the wee hours. They introduced us to a great cd... the name of the artist escapes me at the moment, but man was it good. Very angsty and raw. Mike and Connor talked about guitars and it was so great to watch my boy connect with this incredible couple.

It's been a summer of fun and surprises. Challenges and painful growth for me and for my children. Having people like this in our life makes that road so much easier to travel. See you in December, my friends...

Gracie and the Shuswap

Holy Cats.

Does it get much better than this?? I went to visit Barb (the second that David's plane left for Siberia, as per usual) and was really needing some down time. We had a fantastic time laughing, eating, drinking and enjoying time on her deck, but the highlight was a day out on 'Gracie'.

'Gracie' is a boat owned by Don and Tamara, good friends of Barb's who have taken me under their Blind Bay wing. When I was moving , these kind folks sent a sectional sofa over for me to have. Seriously, who does that? Don and Tamara are simply good people. Kind, fun loving, excellent people. They are a great couple... spending the day on the boat with them was such a treat and being around them reminded me (and my cynical brain) that it is possible to find love again.

It was a sunny day on the Shuswap and Don drove us all over the place for hours. The poor bastard was the only rooster in the hen house so of course, we had to make him wear a bikini top. He was such a good sport about it but did spend a rather uncomfortable amount of time fondling his bikini top. He claims that spending the day on the boat with a bunch of tipsy women was a very educating experience. I think he may have learned more than he ever wanted to know about what drunken women talk about.

My Blind Bay Sista, Claudette joined us later in the day with a bottle of tequila. (I love you, Claudette!!!) Now, 'Gracie' has a potty on board. No lie. There is a trap door that you lift and it creates a curtained off area for privacy. Claudette decided to use the facilities and was in the curtained area when the boat started rocking, causing the trap door to close. Oh. My. God. All I could see was the trap door slowly closing with Claudette inside and her cute little head peeking out the top with a look of horror. Funny? Oh, yeah.

It was a wonderful day of relaxation, laughter and simplicity. When you are out on the water in the sunshine, nothing else exists. No worries, no anxiety. It was just what I needed.

In the pictures above, you can see me with Barb as we enjoy our day on the boat. You can also see Don and Tamara... yes, Tamara is my age but looks like a teenager. If she wasn't the sweetest person alive, it would be easy to hate her for this fact. Don and Tamara have an annual 'Talk Like a Pirate Day" party. I'm attending this year and you can guarantee there will be a lively blog post about that particular event! Thanks for an amazing day, my friends. You're the best!!

Mysterious Girlie Bits

So.

I had to have a small day surgery done this week, yes... on my mysterious girlie bits. Too much information? Likely, but how much fun is it to say 'Mysterious Girlie Bits'? Seriously.

Since I live in a small town, travel is an essential part of any medical procedure that needs to be done. Luckily, I only had to drive to Nelson (only 2 hours away) so I was able to leave the night before the surgery and stay with my beloved Seeso. In typical Suze fashion, I packed the agenda very tightly. My surgery was planned for August 20 which also happens to be Bridget's birthday so I organized a birthday dinner for her that was combined with a going-away party for Connor's good friend Jaimee who leaves for university soon. Yes, a dinner party for hungry teenagers combined with packing to leave for a surgery right after dinner. Oh, so smart.

As per usual I was running around like a maniac which almost always leads to trouble; and it did. While cooking I managed to burn my hand , quite badly. (Yes, Susan... the burner was hot. You didn't REALLY need to touch it to know that.) A blistering burn at the base of my thumb. By the time everyone was fed and I was packed and ready to go, I was feeling pretty fragile. A burn, surgery and saying goodbye to my Gigi; I have never been away from one of my kids on their birthday. Neither of us was handling it very well.

I was hugging Bridget while holding a frozed juice container in my hand, trying to cool the burn when the tears began. With a vengeance. I cried. Bridget cried. We clung to each other and cried our eyes out. Not my best parenting moment, but unavoidable.

I cried on the drive to Nelson just from feeling completely overwhelmed but it was good. I don't cry often and Barb loves it when I do. She firmly believes that I should do it more and she's probably right. It felt so good to just cry.

Sooo.... I arrived in Nelson and Seeso helped me set up a pot of ice water beside my bed. I slept with my hand soaking in it all night and it was much better by morning. Off to surgery at 7:00am. I was late because Karen and I started chatting and lost track of the time. (Sheesh.) I was convinced that since my surgery was so early in the morning, I would easily be able to drive home that night. HAH. Not so much. I was completely gorked from the anesthetic and had some lovely conversations on the the phone that I have absolutely no recollection of.

So now I'm home in my bed resting and recovering, letting my body heal. I have always pushed myself hard, but as I get older my body pushes back. Time to listen.

Three things before I finish this post:
1. Student nurse + Learning to start IV's = Ouch and bruising.
2. Yes, I know you are all grateful that I didn't include a photo to go along with my 'Mysterious Girlie Bits' entry.
3. Barb is going to love how much I blog while I'm incapacitated. I'm afraid that she will like it a bit too much and will go to great lengths to ensure that it happens on a regular basis. Once I'm healed and back to normal, if someone breaks into my house and breaks my kneecaps, I want everyone to know who is first on the list of suspects.

Gorked But Happy....

Yes, here it is. A blog post, finally. Now Barb can leave me alone.

It's been a bit of a whirlwind the past few months. There have been no shortage of topics for blogging, but it's been insane. No lie. Some of the upcoming posts you can look forward to in the next week are (I'm listing them so that I won't forget... and again, perhaps it will get Barb to stop nagging me):

• Mysterious Girlie Bits
• Brother Glen and my Introduction to Port
• Brother Darryl and His Support
• Mike and Sue
• Gracie and the Shuswap
• Moving. Again.
• My-Friend-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named-Who-Is-Abandoning-Me

I will be blogging quite a bit in the next while (the reason is related to "Mysterious Girlie Bits") so please check back and thanks for not giving up on me! My reason for being gorked is also related to "Mysterious Girlie Bits". Thank God most of my readers are women because I can guarantee that any male followers I may have had are now going to avoid this site like the plague simply to avoid having to read that particular post.

See you all soon. Seriously. (Barb, stop rolling your eyes at me. Sheesh.) Are y'all grateful to not have to look at my big, hideous sty now everytime you open this page?

Oh, So Pretty....

Another stye.
WTF???
Seriously people. This is the second one this year.

Yes, I know that there are bigger problems in the world.... war, people starving, Jon and Kate divorcing (tongue firmly planted in cheek) but c'mon! These little suckers hurt.

On the bright side, the sun is shining, my brother is coming to visit (Yay Glen!) and I am otherwise healthy and happy. It's Sunday morning and I'm sitting in my jammies enjoying a delicious cup of coffee and my darling Brats should be arriving soon which makes me very happy indeed.

Ok. I feel better.
Stupid stye.

Well now.

Holy Cats.

It's been a long time since I've posted, hasn't it?


Well, much has changed since my last message and I've been pretty busy with rearranging my life but I'm b-a-a-a-c-k.


Since my last post, my marriage has ended. I've moved out and have set up a new home with the help of my amazing friends. I have absolutely no idea how I would have made this transition without their help, love and support.


Here's what I did to set up my new house: nothing. I kid you not. I managed to put my back out lifting a bag of dog food out of the back of my van the morning of the move. Of course, no one believed me but they let me boss them around anyway. Here's how it went.....

• Sara and Braden (Barb's kids) loaded up a trailer full of furniture from Salmon Arm and drove it here for me. A six hour round trip for gas money and lunch. Amazing. Thank you.


• Pam and Judy unpacked and set up pretty much everything. I kid you not. Because of them, I sit on my couch in the morning drinking my coffee and looking at the view. Had I been in charge of setting up the furniture, the back of the sofa would have been against the windows with a view of a lovely red wall because of the way my linear brain works. Pam and Judy... I think of you every morning. Thank you.


• Seeso and her hubby made this beautiful place available for me where I can look at the lake and lick my wounds. I love you forever. Thank you.


• Tamara, Barb, Mike and Val, Pam, Barbent and Judy provided furniture and kitchen supplies for me. My children have beds, I have a diningroom table and there is a killer sectional in my family room because of you folks. Your generosity leaves me speechless. Thank you.


• Teddy made me laugh when I needed it most and took care of all the 'blue jobs' on my list of things to do. Saucy, you're a little sliver of heaven. Thank you.


• Claudette sent me an email full of words of wisdom that has grounded me and kept me looking forward. You are one in a million, girlfriend. Thank you.


• Denise sent a book for me that has helped me to see this journey through a completely different lens and it has given me so much strength. I owe you a glass of wine on my next visit to Blind Bay, sweetie. Thank you.


• Shori and Tana have promised to stock my spice cupboard. Soon, my food will not taste bland! Thank you.
• The girls at work (Shori, Margaret, Tana, Darcy and Shannon) along with my boss, have been incredibly supportive. Thank you for understanding.


• Maverick reminded me throughout this time that I am strong. I needed that reminder often and I am forever grateful to him for that. Thank you.


• Barb, who has always been around whenever I have needed her, came. She came because there was nowhere else on earth she would have been on the weekend when I made this leap. She unpacked and talked and made me laugh... and she was here. I honestly can't imagine my life without you, my best friend in the world. Thank you.

If I have forgotten anyone, please forgive me. I am, without a doubt, one of the luckiest people alive because of the wonderful people in my life. The future is scary and exciting and daunting and unpredictable. With support like this, I feel like I can face anything.

Bring it on.

Jack-the-Lou

This is my Jack. I've wanted to blog about him for a long time but it was important to me that I capture him accurately; not an easy task with this complex, wonderful fella.

Jack will be 13 years old in a month and of my three children, time seems to have gone more quickly with him. Jack is not the classic middle child; he is gentle and demands almost nothing of anyone. He goes with the flow and has such a practical nature. Because he is so quiet.... hold on. Quick clarification here. He is quiet everywhere in the world other than home. At home? Non-stop entertainment, energy and talking. Holy Cats, this boy can talk and he is so very funny. It's rare for a day to pass where Jack doesn't make me laugh until I cry. But I digress .... because he is so quiet and is sandwiched between to very extroverted, vivacious siblings, it would be easy to miss out on the beauty that is 'Jack' (Just Jack!). That doesn't tend to happen, however because there is something about Jack that draws people to him.

I have so much to say about him that my fingers on the keyboard can't keep up to my thoughts.... so I'm going to put it in bullet form.

Jack Facts

• Jack didn't talk until he was 3. I'm convinced that the only reason for this is that he didn't really have anything he felt compelled to say until that point.


• When he did start to talk it wasn't long before he was speaking in full sentences and conveying profound thoughts. One of the first sentences I remember coming from Jack was "Mommy? Do aliens believe in Homo Sapiens?" Huh??!!! Classic Jack. Commonly people ask one another if they believe in aliens. Jack, my little 'out-of-the-box' thinker saw it from a completely different angle.


• As you can see in the photo above, Jack had a Mohawk last summer. Jack had been growing his hair out with a plan to have a monster Mohawk with liberty spikes. He didn't mention it to me until his hair was long enough to do it. People were so shocked because Jack is such a sweet, gentle soul and with the Mohawk, he looks like a rebellious anarchist. He loves the shock value of that contrast. He's considering Dreads next.


• Jack is one of the funniest people I know. It's effortless for him. We both love 'The Family Guy' (I know, I know.... I'm a bad mother, but it's so freakin' funny!!!) and Jack can do a dead-on imitation of all the male characters. I'm telling you, you haven't lived until you've heard my boy mimic 'Herbert the Pervert'.


• Jack is amazing with animals. He seems to have an intrinsic understanding of them and they in turn are drawn to him. We have 2 cats and a dog and they all want to sleep with him every night. Four beds in the house, but they all want Jack.


• Jack can act. Who knew? This quiet, shy guy unleashed his inner thespian recently (in a musical, no less!) where he played a rebel Humpty Dumpty. He nailed it and people in the community were stunned and delighted to see this side of Jack.

Jack has big plans. In grades 3, 5 and 7 he had teachers who made a huge difference in his life (Thank you, thank you, thank you Mr. Johnston, Mr. Brellisford and Mrs. Leitch). Their influence in Jack's world has contributed to his desire to be a teacher..... but he also wants to see the world. He's decided that for him, there is no better way to see the world than to teach everywhere that he can. I have visions of Jack calling me (you better call your Mamma!!!) from the four corners of the earth, making me laugh with his funny stories. He's a determined soul and I have no doubt that he will achieve everything he puts his mind to.

Yes, I'm his Mom and I have to say it, but it's so true; the world is a better place because Jack Louis Gustafson is in it. How do you not love a guy who turns his brother's hoodie (see picture at the top of the page) into a chicken costume just to make his Mom laugh?? Love you, Louis!!!

Subtle Influences

This is a picture of Connor when he was about 3 or 4 years old. I made him smile for the camera when all he wanted to do was play with his cousins.... hence the grimace. "Just get it over with, Ma!!"

I was telling a story to a close friend today about Connor when he was this age... my friend said "You need to blog that story!!!" and he was right. I really do, so here it is.

When Connor was around 4 years old, I had to take him to the Doctor for a check up. Connor loved Dr. Kelland and still does to this day. As we drove into town, he told me how excited he was to be seeing her. I told him "Connor, Dr. Kelland is away so you'll be seeing a different Doctor today." Connor asked "What's her name?" I said "It's not a 'she'; you'll be seeing a boy Doctor today." I could hear him giggling in his car seat behind me when he said "Oh, Mommy! Boys can't be Doctors!!"

When I told Dr. Kelland the story, she threw her hands up in the air and said "I can retire! My work is done!!"

Recently I was at a luncheon titled 'Women in Leadership'. One of the speakers was our (as of last night) newly elected MLA, Katrine Conroy. She spoke of her career journey and the stereotypes she's had to overcome as a woman who has worked in non-traditional employment settings. She's a pipefitter, for cryin' out loud. When she started working in that field, the plant she worked at didn't have a women's washroom.

At the luncheon, I told the group of women the story about Connor and the Doctor's visit. I told Katrine how I appreciated the path she's chosen and what a difference just her presence made for young people and their perception of what it means to be a politician..... and a woman.

When I was growing up, I was asked "Do you want to be a teacher or a nurse?" Those days are long gone and there is something wonderful about the fact that young women now have no idea just how recently women had such limitations put on them.

You've come a long way, baby..... :-))

Seeso

This post is about my beautiful, sweet, intelligent, funny sister. It's entirely possible that she is my favourite person on the planet. Most of you know her as 'Karen' but to me, she is 'Seeso'.

Karen is 2 years younger than I am and I simply cannot imagine what my life would be like without her. In this picture, she is 2 and I'm 4 and we've just woken up from a nap. I still remember our Mom taking this picture and I also remember how warm and tiny and yummy she felt beside me under the blankets.

Growing up, Glen and Darryl were 'the boys' and Karen and I were 'the girls'. Karen was always my little shadow and my built in best friend. We slept together for many years in a double bed. My thrifty Mom had sewn two single fitted sheets into a double fitted sheet and there was a seam down the center of the bed because of it. If Karen slid so much as a toe across that line, I was yelling for Mom, tattling that Karen was on MY side of the bed. When my parents renovated and I finally had my own room, I spent more than one night stuffing dolls and clothing in my bed so it would appear that I was sleeping in it in order to sneak into her room to sleep with her.

Growing up, we had the normal fights that sisters have over clothes being borrowed without permission, chore distribution and make-up (yes, I did steal your fabulous blush brush; it's in my make-up bag as I type this!), but we have always been very, very close. I don't remember when it happened, but there was a very clear moment when she went from being my 'little sister' to being my 'seeso'. I'm still very, very protective of her but only because I love her, not because she is younger than me or requires my protection.

Karen is a person who is liked by everyone. She's always smiling and is so kind.... but the formidible Pelchat-woman spirit is firmly planted in her soul too. Karen has always amazed me with her ability to have very clear boundaries and an ability to say 'no' unequivocally when she needs to. I have learned so much about that from her.

Although we were close growing up, I was always surprised at how different we were. I saw the two of us a polar opposites and was always a bit sad that we weren't more alike, however as we grow older, the similarities are becoming more obvious... shockingly so actually. We laugh alike. We have similar mannerisms. We use the same phrases. We both have crazy green eyes. We think alike in so many ways and it's such a wonderful feeling to have someone in the world who sees things in a similar way. She makes me feel like less of a freak somehow.

When I moved to Nakusp, I knew I had to lure her here. I helped her to find a job and once she found a man, I knew she was mine for good! She lived here for 15 years then found a job in Nelson. At first I didn't believe her and once I realized that she was serious, I ignored her. I wouldn't talk to her. I wasn't mean.... I just needed to detach and build a little wall around my heart so that it wouldn't hurt quite as much when she left. She assured me that we would see MORE of each other once she moved, something that I thought was completely ridiculous. Our offices were across the street from each other for God's sake! But.... she was right. We see far more of one another now that she lives 2 hours away from me and our visits are much more intimate. We are closer than we've ever been.

Karen understands me. I can tell her anything.... anything and I know without hesitation that she won't judge me, no matter what I say. She loves me unconditionally and is always there me, as I am for her.

I love her ferociously and I'm grateful every single day of my life for the gift of my Seeso.

(In the above picture, Karen has just finished a sambucca shooter that was lit on fire while inside her mouth. I kid you not. She may look like a sweet little lamb but there is a very kooky girl under all of those curls.)

Karma

Main Entry: kar·ma

Pronunciation: \ˈkär-mə also ˈkər-\
Function: noun
Etymology: Sanskrit karma fate, work
Date: 1827

: the force generated by a person's actions held in Hinduism and Buddhism to perpetuate transmigration and in its ethical consequences to determine the nature of the person's next existence

My sister is a beautiful, amazing, intelligent woman, but she is also very lucky. No, not just lucky.... horseshoes-up-her-ass-cushioned-with-a-bouquet-of-four-leaf-clovers kind of lucky. I went to Nelson on the weekend to visit her and to take a friend out for a birthday dinner. We had a really nice time having dinner, shooting pool and dancing. Throughout the night, Karen misplaced her cell phone a couple of times... her work cell phone. However, she always managed to find it up until the end of the night. Nope. It was nowhere.

The next day we went to town shopping and checked everywhere for it. We retraced our steps but it was nowhere to be found. Karen was a bit worried, but she said "It will turn up. That's why I don't have to worry about my stuff... it just always works out."

I received an email from Karen today. Here's what it said, in a nutshell:

"Guess what happened with my cell phone?! I went to work and confessed that I'd lost it and my boss told me that she ordered a new cell phone for me last week and that it had arrived. She said not to worry about it at all. Then, two hours later some nice person showed up at the office and returned the one I lost!"

The only explanation I have for Karen's good karma is that she was the equivalent of Mother Teresa in her past life. (Ok, and is a total sweetheart in this one.)

Yeah.

Wanna know what happened to me this week? I was walking and blew my knee out. Not power walking, not diving in front of a train to save a small child... no. Just walking into Tana's office to say 'hi'. I didn't twist my knee. I didn't fall. I just took a step. A normal fucking step.

Explanation? I was the equivalent of George Bush in a past life. How do I know this? Because I think I'm a pretty decent gal in this one. (There are people who would disagree.)

Holy Cats. Honestly. Karma.

Brats

My Babies.

One of my favourite things to do once spring arrives to to drive down to the beach with the kids and Doc and just explore. The little ones (Jack and Bridget) find rocks and treasures while Connor and I walk along the shore, talking and throwing the stick for the dog.

Not a big blog post today... just a little note to keep Barb happy (a.k.a. 'shut her up') and to show how great a simple Sunday can be.

If anyone can help me come up with a method for making Jack smile in photos, there is a margarita in it for you. So far, the only thing that Connor and I have come up with is to whisper very inappropriate things in his ear. I'm not necessarily against that, but it would be nice to have an alternative for family functions.

Blind Bay Bitchiosity

I know, I know. You're very likely sick of hearing about Blind Bay, but this is a gooder! (I promise....)

It all began when I decided to show my gratitude to Barb's friends in Blind Bay by cooking a dinner for them. They have been so kind to me and so welcoming that I wanted to do something nice for them......


Before I go too far, I just need to say "HOLLY".

(Holly has a dream of being mentioned in my blog. As you can see from the previous sentence, she obviously has low expectations and is easy to please. That's why she's an excellent friend for me.) Holly was renamed "Hannah Montana" on this crazy Blind Bay weekend. I believe it was because of her great hair, but you'd have to ask Shawna to be sure about that one. But I digress.


The weekend started out when I arrived at Barb's on Friday night at 1:00 a.m. I travelled from Nakusp to Blind Bay via Osoyoos. No, I'm not kidding. Long story. The next morning I was beyond excited because I had a surprise for Barb. I love surprises. (Giving, not receiving). I was in cahoots with the infamous Shawna who is one of Barb's best friends ("Why you gotta go and be like that?"), arranging for her to come in for the weekend from Calgary. Barb was a bit suspicious so I had to play it very cool, something I am not very good at.


We drove into Kamloops to go grocery shopping and I told Barb that I had to pick something up at the Kamloops airport for my boss and pretended that it was a completely pain in the ass. After she drug me up and down every single fucking aisle in the dollar store AND the love shop, we finally left for the airport. Shawna had been texting me like a madwoman, wondering where we were. Finally, we arrived at the airport and as we pulled up to the front, I saw Shawna. I said to Barb "Oh, look! I don't have to go in. My package is outside waiting for me." At this point, Barb spotted Shawna. Ok... have you ever seen a small dog pawing at a car window to get out? Yeah, that was Barb. There was screaming and jumping and howling and more screaming. It was a pretty fantastic moment.


We grabbed Shawna, then ran around and did some shopping (already laughing so hard that we couldn't even speak in the grocery aisles and even entertained our fellow shoppers) then hit the road for Blind Bay. Somewhere on the road between Kamloops and Blind Bay, I managed to convince myself that my Blue Minivan was actually a Cherry Red '67 Mustang. Foreshadowing for a delusional and very funny weekend.


That night we played a civilized game called 'Sociables'. There is a picture floating around somewhere of me with a beer box on my head (with holes for my eyes, nose and mouth) and there are now reasons why I don't want to ride in Barb's boat. Needless to say, it was a very interesting game. We ended the night by crawling into the matching 'Tinkerbell' jammies that Shawna bought (thanks, Shawna!! I'm wearing them tonight as I type this), then all three of us crawled into Barb's king-sized bed. As you can imagine, there was a bit o' laughter at that point.


Saturday, we lazed around, laughed and cooked. The big dinner was that night and this was the menu:

• Bruschetta
• Crab/cream cheese stuffed mushrooms
• Caesar Salad
• Ravioli stuffed with brie in a tomato/alfredo sauce with garlic grilled chicken
• Death by Chocolate

As you can see, I tried to shamelessly bribe these women to be my friends.

Dinner, drinks, laughter. We celebrated four birthdays (Aleia, Steph, Holly and Diane) and had a fantastic time. We each wore a tiara, danced until the wee hours and a fabulous time was had by all (even Holly; her DUI bracelet didn't seem to bother her at all that night).

Claudette (Holy crap, I love Claudette) was good enough to drink tequila with me. I don't know what it is, perhaps a genetic flaw... but I LOVE tequila. I'm so happy to have found a friend who enjoys it as much as I do, although sometimes her love is scary. There are some things that are better left unexplained.

Tamara, Denise, Rona, Jen and Val were there too dancing and laughing and putting up with me trying to make them play charades. What a great bunch of women! Diane came back over the next morning and made us eggs benedict. Eggs Benedict!!! Now THAT is a fabulous girlfriend, I tell ya.

My daughter left a message for me on facebook that weekend. She asked: "Mommy, are you having fun? Are you laughing until you are snorting and crying? Then you are having fun." I love that she understands. I hope she is lucky enough to experience the sisterhood of friends that I have been so lucky to be part of in my life.

Blind Bay Bitches; here's to you. Thank you so much for welcoming me into your world and treating me like one of your own. Love you, girls!!

Girlfriends

At the beginning of March, I was lucky enough to spend the weekend with 6 fabulous women at a cabin just outside of Nakusp. Karen A is one of our gaggle and she did some rock work for a customer so he gave her the use of this cabin for the weekend in return.

It was a weekend of relaxation, laughter, amazing food and a drink. Or two. In addition to Karen A. and my beloved Seeso, (who is also 'Karen', hence the need to refer to Karen A as 'Karen A'.....) Louise and Andrea came in from Alberta, Kelly came in from Vernon and Teresa came in from Glenbank!! In typical chick fashion, there was enough food to feed an army. I'm not exaggerating. If we'd become stranded there, we could have easily survived for a week or two on the groceries that all the gals brought. We may have run out of booze and menthols, but food? We had plenty.

The first night everyone arrived and our good friend Ted (see the Christmas blog for more on this scalliwag....) was there to help us get set up and show us how to use the hot tub. This hot tub is actually fed by natural hot springs water, if you can imagine. The smell of brimstone conjured images of us as a coven I must admit and the last one in was always the "Hot Tub Bitch", meaning the last one in had to wait on us hand and foot. "Hot Tub Bitch! My drink is low!" or "Hot Tub Bitch! Warm my towel in the dryer!"

But, I digress -- back to Teddy. We essentially kidnapped him. We decided that we needed a rooster in the hen house and he stayed to dance with us until the wee hours and crashed on the floor. Can you imagine the sacrifice? Dancing in a remote cabin with 6 inebriated women? Such a giver, our Ted.....

The next morning we had a fantastic breakfast and went for a Snowshoe. Yes, snowshoeing!! This was my maiden voyage on these bits of shoe-wear so SOMEONE agreed to take us to a "flat" place. Let me just say that MY definition of 'flat' and a forest technician's definition of 'flat' are significantly different! It was a riot and I plan to ask Santa for a pair next year. The sun was shining and it felt great to get some exercise.

That evening we had another great meal and played 'naughty charades'. You haven't lived until you've seen my good friend Teresa act out the phrase "anal intruder". We laughed so hard and continued to giggle after going to bed. You know how you get the giggles and can't stop and pretty soon everyone in the room is laughing and no one knows why? There we were, in bed in the dark, giggling until we were crying. My belly hurt for 3 solid days. I wish I could laugh like that every single day for the rest of my life.

We have decided to make this an annual event. Next year, less food, more dancing and my very own pair of snowshoes. Yay! Chick weekends are my prescription for pretty much anything that ails you.

Thanks girls. Love you... can't wait for next year!

My Screech

This is my Bridget.

The G. Screech. Gigi. Screechface. Dolly. Babygirl. She has many nicknames and has a dimension to her personality to match each name.

She is a delightful mix of 'tomboy' and 'girly-girl'. In the picture here, she has padded her clothing and is being a sumo wrestler. She is a tiny, wee thing, but make no mistake, this girl is formidible.

Ever since I was a teenager, I was convinced that I would have three boys. I just knew it. So when I found out that I was pregnant for the third time after having two boys, I knew for certain that the next one would be a boy too. My pregnacy with Gigi was completely different. With the boys I felt great. With Gigi I was sick and psychotic. I kid you not. Ask my sister. In spite of this, I was till convinced that I was carrying a boy child and when I finally had her and the doctor said "It's a girl!!" all I could muster was "It's a WHAT??"

I was terrified to have a daughter. Sons? They were easy. But a girl? I had no idea what to do. I was scared that I wouldn't be a good mom to a daughter..... but when they put her in my arms, I was in love. Immediately. She was pink and yummy and I adored her instantly. Bridget was such an easy baby and thank god for that. Connor (the psycho toddler) was 4 and Jack was 2 so I had my hands full already. She rarely cried and was just so content, especially when her brothers would talk to her.

There has always been a certain level of reciprocity in my relationship with Bridget. I remember when she was only 2, I was really sick and on the couch wanting to die. Connor and Jack were running around like maniacs ("I'm hungry, Mom.... Mom, I'm thirsty. Mom, can you put a movie on for me? Mom? Mom?!!!") while Bridget was pulling my blanket up to my chin and kissing me on the head. That's when I truly realized just how different having a daughter was going to be.

I love sharing the 'girly' moments with Bridget. I love braiding her hair in the morning before school. I love asking her if my outfit looks all right before I leave for work. I love talking to her about things that the boys in the house don't care about. We're like co-conspirators here on the farm. Momma and The G against the world.....

Bridget is ridiculously organized. If I can't find something, I know all I have to do is ask and she'll know where it is. She is smart and funny and kind and I love being her Mommy. When I imagine the future with G, I can picture us as women; as friends. I imagine sharing with her all of the things that I missed out on by losing my Mom so early in life.

Bridget is a Pelchat woman in the making, make no mistake. Feisty, strong, full of laughter. Her third name is Gabrielle (after Aunty Gay) and she's proving to live up to the moniker. Having Bridget was like receiving an amazing gift that I didn't even know I wanted. Lucky me.

Book Club Bitches

Holy Dinah.

A few months ago, I was asked to be part of a book club in town. I have always wanted to be in a book club so I was pretty excited about it. The club was to be a group of 12 women who love to read.... 12 of us because the number is pretty manageable and also because that way, we can each have a turn to pick one book a year for the group to read.

Sounds pretty civilized, no?

R-i-i-i-g-h-t.

The first time we met, we all brought a book or two that we were hoping to choose for our month. I brought 'Lamb' by Christopher Moore, a hilarious book that invents a new gospel in the bible. Since there is nothing about Jesus from the age of 12 - 33, Mr. Moore thought that perhaps the gap should be filled. 'Lamb' is the gospel according to Biff, Christ's childhood pal. I absolutely love this book.

I wasn't sure if 'Lamb' was the type of book that the group would be into, so I also brought along 'The Vagina Monologues'. (Book club chicks like feminist literature, right?!) I really like this book as well... I like anything in this life that can evoke emotion in me and this book made me laugh and cry (actually, believe it or not, 'Lamb' did both as well).

Soooo.... when I presented my two options, one of the girls shouted out "Jesus and Vagina's??!! You are SUCH a lapsed Catholic, Susan!!"

"Oooohhh", I thought to myself. "I'm a-gonna like this group o' gals."

Since that night, I have learned more about all 11 of these ladies and I really, really like them. There is plenty of interesting conversation, and a lot of laughter as well. (Wine too. Let's not forget the wine.) Tonight was a little less cerebral than usual, but man, did we laugh. By the end of the evening, we had plotted a road trip in D's motorhome with the theme "Book Club Bitches Gone Bad". We're not kidding.

Smart, funny women.
Yummy food.
Good reading.
Wine.

It just doesn't get much better than that.

Sick Boyo

Oy.
1:16 a.m.
I have a very sick boy on my hands tonight.

Amazing how a 15 year old young man still calls me 'Mamma' when he's unwell.
He won't be mine for much longer.... less than 3 years and he will be on his own, taking on the world. It's a privilege and an honour to be his Mamma and I delight in caring for him tonight.

And as I sit here, watching over him while I type to you, it makes me cry to think of the short amount time I have left with him. I am grateful for him, for his health, for his energy, his kind nature, his gentle spirit....but it went so fast. It's gone far too fast.

When he was just wee and I was up in the night with him when he was sick, it was just another night in a million (or what felt like it) that I would be up with him. Now, I know that time is short. This could be the last night I have this opportunity... to Mother him in this way and it hurts my heart.

I just poured a glass of water for him and rubbed his hair while he sipped it.
I told him to take his time and he said "You're such a good Mommy".
I bit my lip so that I wouldn't cry.
I said that I would sit with him for a bit longer until he fell back to sleep in case he needed anything.
He said "I really appreciate it, Ma."

I'm a lucky, lucky Mommy.
And I know it.

We be bloggin'

I have to tell you that I just love blogging.

(Ok, in my mind I'm hearing Mybarb saying "Hmmm..... you'd think you would do it more OFTEN if you like it so much. She thinks I should blog daily.) This medium of expression is so good for my soul. When I start to write, I get into a zone and there is a flow that I can't explain. It feels right. It feels like there is nothing else in the world, not a worry, not a care. Just me and the words that are pouring from my fingers, onto the keyboard and to your eyes.

I have had some wonderful feedback to this blog and I'm really grateful for it. It probably shouldn't please me so much, but it does. The most common response I hear is that my personality really comes through in my writing and that delights me. Although I'm a very outgoing person, I'm truly an introvert (being outgoing and extroverted are two very different things) and I tend to hold my cards close to my chest in that regard. Writing feels like a release for me.... anyone who knows me clearly understands that there are certain topics that are off limits for me. My Mom and the pain of watching her disease process is one of them, but on my blog, it was easy to express. It felt so good to write about her on New Year's Day. I'm not sure if I ever would have spoken those words to anyone but writing them was effortless.

I've spent the past year striving for authenticity. I've tried really hard to live true to myself, not contorting my actions and thoughts to suit people's expectations of me. It's been remarkably healing and deeply painful. There are people who are no longer a part of my life because of it, however the genie is out of the bottle and there is no going back.... thank God. (Or the Goddess, whichever rings your bell). This blog has been instrumental in that journey and I want to thank everyone who reads it.... I appreciate your interest and your encouraging words.

Enough of that. I promise the next post will be a LOT more fun and lighthearted. Did I ever tell you about the time the murderer stored dynamite in my barn?

I'm just sayin'.

Pam. Pamma. Pamalicious.

This is my Pam.

Where do I begin telling you about Pam?
I first met her at the Veterinary Clinic where she works and I liked her right away. She has an incredibly upbeat, friendly vibe and just immediately makes you smile and feel like everything is going to be ok. The first time I met her, I thought to myself "Ooooh.... I could be friends with this chick." My intuition was bang on and lucky for me, I can now call her 'friend'.

When my friend Caroline died, her hubby Didace was heartbroken but he knew that his great big heart had much more love to give. Enter Pam. It happened quickly for them and anyone who knows Didace well feels certain that Caroline had a hand in making this happen for him. Caroline and Didace's kids have welcomed Pam with open arms into their Dad's life and I have no doubt that it's because they see how happy he is with her. Didace is a complete fucking nut and Pam loves that about him. I also pay her well to stick it out. Feeding him every night was just getting too expensive.

Tonight I went over to Pam's place for a visit. I realized just what a truly amazing friend she is when I paused to think about what I was wearing.

• Pink pajama bottoms
• Blue hoody
• Orange sweater over the hoody
• Jean jacket
• Sorrel boots
• No socks
• No bra (Too much information. I know, I know)

Tell me.... how many places can you show up looking like that and feel completely comfortable and at home? Honestly! Not only that, but I arrived with a bottle of wine tucked under my arm that Pam gave me a few weeks ago. It was a special vintage with the uber-classy name "Bitch". How do you not love a girlfriend who brings you a red wine called 'Bitch'??

Once Pam and Didace started dating, she and I clicked immediately. This was very important since I knew that with Didace being a big part of my life, anyone who he chose to spend time with would be too. (As you can tell, it's all about me). It took no time at all for me to give my huge stamp of approval to this new lady in his world.

In the relatively short time that we've been friends, Pam has been someone to laugh with as well as a shoulder to lean on. She has a huge heart and is rock solid. Didace is a lucky, lucky man and he knows it.

And...... once again, I am lucky and I know it. I have the most amazing girlie friends and I'm so, so, SO happy to have Pam as part of that looney crew.

Purring in Salmon Arm

Ok, ok. I'm sure you're all sick of hearing about my time in Salmon Arm.... but I'm going to blog about it anyway. Y'all know how much I love it here with Mybarb. Just for future reference, THIS Barb is now called Mybarb. I have to differentiate because I have another wonderful friend named Barb who is now referred to as 'Copbarb', just to avoid confusion. I would love to blog about Copbarb but she would be mortified. So I won't. For now. (Mwah ha ha ha ha....).

So. This weekend is Mybarb's birthday. Barb loves her birthday. You know how some people are modest and prefer their birthday to go unnoticed? That is definitely not Barb. Right now, her status on Facebook says:

"Barb wants to remind everyone you only have 3 more shopping days til my BIRTHDAY!!!"

How could I not come help her celebrate? I'm mean really... I'm here for her, not for my own selfish reasons. Honestly.

In case you aren't completely aware of the reasons I love being in Salmon Arm with Barb, let me just tell you what the past 16 hours have been like for me.

• When I arrived, Barb had a baguette with roasted garlic and warmed brie waiting for me.
• I'm still in bed. It's 11:05 a.m.
• There is a coffee with Bailey's in it on my bedside table.
• I have laughed more in the past 16 hours than I have in the past 2 weeks

Barb and I don't buy Birthday/Christmas gifts for one another... we choose to give small, meaningful gifts throughout the year instead. But this year, I found something that just happened to be perfect and coincided with her birthday. It's the picture that you see at the top of this blog and the quote inside the frame says:

"Friendship is not a big thing.... it's a million little things."

And that's us. There have been a million little things over the past 20 years (God, has it really been that long??!!!) that have cemented this friendship and I'm grateful everyday of my life for it. The picture in the frame was taken at the end of an evening where we attended a girl party with the theme "Embrace Your Inner Whore". Yes, I'm wearing a wig. And, yes. We are both wearing false eyelashes. And really yes. We are rather drunk.

Happy, Happy Birthday Barb. I have no doubt that everyone will make you feel special on your big day, not because you're 'all that and a bag of chips'.... but because you demand it and they fear you. Love you!

Ouch. Missing my Mamma.

January 1, 2009.

This year I had a quiet New Years Eve at home and really enjoyed the solitude. But, today is a tough one.

Today is the 3rd anniversary of my Mom's death and the first anniversary of my Sweet Caroline's death. Somehow I knew that Caroline was going to pass away the same day as Mom. Just knew it in my bones.

I've been wanting to write a blog about my Mom and today seems like a good day for it. The picture above is from when I was 15. We're sitting on the front step at 'home' and I can still remember how it felt to have my arms around her. Sorry for the crappy quality... I took a photo of this picture with my cell phone so the quality is lousy, but the love is still palpable.

My Mom was amazing.

I know, I know. Everyone's Mom is amazing.... but my Mom was such a Mom. She absolutely loved being a Mom and was so good at it. She read to us and found such creative ways to make all four of her children feel like they were the center of the universe. She was gentle and sweet.... you know the Mamma Kangaroo in Winnie-the-Poo (Kanga)? She reminded me of my Mom. The picture above is of my Mom with my brother Darryl. Do you see how much she loves her baby?!! Everytime my Dad took a picture, the flash made Darryl's eyes cross and Mom just loved it. (Isn't she pretty?!) I actually submitted this picture to The Globe and Mail for a Mother's Day edition and they posted it.

My Mom taught me so much, but the greatest gift she gave me was teaching ME how to be a Mom. Nothing is more important to me than being a good Mom to my brats and nurturing them has come naturally because of her legacy.

As I mentioned before in my "Aunt Gay" post, my Mom came from a big, wonderful French family. She was the baby of eleven kids and they teased that she arrived "once the bread was buttered", after the depression.

My Mom loved to laugh and did so often. She loved food and wine and every single one of my boyfriends fell in love with her. While growing up, our house was a place where everyone was welcome and my friends loved to be there.

My Mom was diagnosed with MS before I was even born. I don't remember her being healthy, really. I always wondered why she couldn't run and somehow it just seemed normal that she needed to rest every afternoon. By the time I was a teenager, she was using a walker and a wheelchair. By the time I left home, things deteriorated even further. I remember feeling a lot of anger about her disease. How could someone as sweet and kind as her end up with such a horrible fucking disease? How? In what world is that just or fair?

Mom was very, very practical. I remember learning about reincarnation in my early 20's and I really liked the concept. It made sense. I talked to Mom about it and I told her "You know, Mom.... maybe you and Dad have been together in a life before this. Maybe in this life, he needed to learn some lessons about being unselfish and having to care for another person. Maybe you chose this disease to help him discover that within himself." Mom took a second to think about it then said "I'd like to think I would have found another way." Touche Mamma.

I miss her today. I miss her so much but I wouldn't wish her back. At the end of her life, she was tube fed, catherterized and I could barely understand what she was saying. She lived in that state for the last 3 or 4 years of her life. She was so, so tired when she finally left us yet I never once heard her complain. This is not an exaggeration. Never once.

"How are you doing, Mom?"

The answer was always, ALWAYS "Great!" with a big smile. Even when this woman could not scratch her own nose if it was itchy, she would tell me that she was 'Great!'.

My Mom was so loved. She lived long enough to meet all of her grandchildren. She had so much in this life and I know she was grateful for all of it, but man.... I just really, really miss her.

To the right is a picture of Mom with my niece, Megan that was taken about 10 years ago; as you can clearly see, Mom delighted in being a Grandma. In this picture, Mom is in her wheelchair and the grandkids always loved sitting with Grandma in her chair. When Connor was 3 and Mom started having a lot of trouble with coordination in her hands, he would sit on her knee and feed her oranges. She loved oranges.... and he actually called her 'Grandma of the Oranges'. I have that on video.

I wish she was here right now so that I could ask her for advice. I wish I could hug her and smell her. I would give anything to hear her laugh again. Yes, I'm grateful that I was given such an amazing Mom, don't be me wrong. But I'm greedy. I want her back, healthy and laughing and playing with her grandkids. I want to shop with her and drink wine together and benefit from her practical wisdom. But.... that's not possible, so I will do my best to keep her memory alive and honour her legacy of love by passing it along.

Love you, Mom.

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Marie Delvina Lillian Pelchat Barth (aka 'Lily')

August 10, 1940 - January 1, 2006

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